


The Secret

by Spklvr



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A little angst, Consensual Underage Sex, F/M, Happy Ending, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Nobody Dies, Peter Pettigrew is mostly ignored sorry not sorry, Ravenclaw Remus Lupin, Underage Drinking, it's canon because Sirius and James prob wouldn't have been friends with him if it wasn't for Remus, they are 17 so technically not underage in the wizarding world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2018-12-25 00:13:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 34,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12024042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spklvr/pseuds/Spklvr
Summary: Sirius Black has a secret. A secret so big not even his best friend James knows about it. A secret that would absolutely destroy him if it ever came out. Sirius Black is a virgin.





	1. The Pretty Ravenclaw

**Author's Note:**

> Not making the mistake I have with my other fics, this is completed! So no worries about it getting abandoned (none of my other stories are either, they are just being written at the speed of continental drift). A new chapter will be posted every Thursday for maximum torture, but also to allow me to edit them properly. This fic will only be about 30K and 10-ish chapters. Enjoy!

It had all started at the end of third year, when he had been caught snogging with a fourth year Hufflepuff by Professor McGonagall and a prefect. James was annoyed he hadn’t told him he was snogging anyone, but Sirius had simply explained he was not someone to kiss and tell. The truth, however, was that he had in fact never snogged anyone until approximately 15 seconds before they were caught. He had also not enjoyed the snogging very much. Everything had happened too quickly for him to grasp more than that it was weird having someone else's tongue in his mouth.

Depending on your point of view, the situation was made better or worse by the fact that this girl had been caught on purpose to make her recent ex-boyfriend jealous, and had proudly proclaimed to the whole school that Sirius was the best snog there was. In hindsight, he wished he had downplayed the situation, said she was exaggerating and told the truth, at least to James. Instead he had allowed all the rumors to go on, and by the end of his fifth year, Sirius had according to Hogwarts gossip, snogged every single girl over the age of fourteen, and some of the boys, and shagged at least a third. He had in fact snogged four girls, decided it wasn’t for him because he didn’t like it any better than the first time, and then (after many an hour sneaking peeks in the locker rooms) snogged one boy. The rest he had supposed to have snogged he reckoned were too embarrassed to admit skirt chaser Sirius Black had refused them when he never refused anyone.

He had quite enjoyed snogging the one boy. They had done it a few times, but the bloody bastard had outed him soon after (his own mistake for trusting a Slytherin). The fact that he also liked boys hadn’t surprised anyone at Hogwarts, not even James, as everyone already assumed he’d shag anything with a pulse. It had, however, been what finally pushed his parents over the edge and had caused him to be kicked out and disowned. It was most likely Regulus’ doing, what with him being his parents’ pet. In the end, it had all been for the best. He had spent the summer after his fifth year with James and his family, quietly recovering and realizing he was better off and, as they stood at Platform 9 ¾, he was excited to start a new year. That his parents and Regulus were on the other end he ignored, as Sirius was hugged lovingly by the Potters and Regulus was given a single stiff pat on the shoulder. He knew this because he’d experienced it, not because he was looking. Nope. Not looking at all. 

At the strike of eleven they jumped on, and he and James waved at their parents until they were out of sight. The Blacks had left the platform long before the train had started moving. “Hi James,” some pretty fifth year Ravenclaw girl with brown pigtails said as she approached them. “Want to come sit with us?” she asked with a certain smile but slight quiver to her voice, while awkwardly trying to twirl her hair seductively. James, who very much fancied girls and only girls, did not notice her confidence was feigned and agreed happily.

A few other girls sat in the compartment, all Ravenclaws. They giggled as they entered and arms were wrapped around them. “Congratulations on making captain, James,” the pigtail girl said genuinely, looking mildly stunned that he was actually sat there with her.

“Thanks. I’m sorry, what’s your name again?” James said, smiling sheepishly. The girl’s distraught expression looked distinctly faked, which was odd, but Sirius made no comment.

“Sirius never told you about me, then,” she said and looked nervously at him. “Do you even remember me? From up in the astronomy tower last year.”

Having only kissed five people in his life, none of which had been in the astronomy tower, he could say with absolute certainty that he had never under any circumstances had contact with this girl. “Of course I remember,” he said, and for a brief second she allowed herself to look relieved before putting the fake confidence back on. Had he become a rite of passage or something? Something young girls needed to have done to become a woman?

The girl was staring mesmerized at James, once again looking like she was amazed he was actually besides her, when another girl nudged her forcefully. “My name is Cara Braddock,” pigtails girl said abruptly, as she draped herself around James, who looked quite happy to be draped.

There was a quick tapping on the compartment door, and a few of the girls groaned when they saw who it was. Sirius had no chance of groaning despite it being a prefect, what with his lungs ceasing to function. The Ravenclaw prefect was tall and thin, with light brown hair that looked like it’d have soft curls in it if he let it grown beyond his ears. His eyes were curiously amber, nearly yellow, and large and alert. His mouth was a little wonky and his nose too big, and his face was lined by two scars that looked to have been nasty once, but it suited him inexplicably well.

“Please keep things decent in here. I’d hate to take points from my own house before we even reach the station,” he said, and Cara gently slipped away from James, but it was Sirius the boy kept an eye on.

“You’re one to talk, Lupin,” one of the other girls said. She was tall and pretty, but in the boring kind of way, where all her features were so perfectly proportioned she just became dull to look at. Of course, being very much gay, Sirius didn’t think he had the right to comment on her attractiveness. Rather than her looks, however, it was the better-than-thou expression on her face that reminded him too much of his old family that made him instantly dislike her. 

At her words, there was a flash of hurt in those gorgeous amber eyes, but the boy hid it well and smirked. “Just keep your privates private,” he said, directing it towards the girl rather than Sirius this time, and unfortunately walked away.

“What was that about?” James asked.

“What?” the little bitch Sirius officially hated asked back.

“Why did you say he was one to talk?”

Luckily, the much more pleasant Cara took over. “You don’t know?” she asked.

“I think it’s only us Ravenclaws that know,” the bitch said.

Cara looked hesitant to bring up the topic, but the bitch waited for her to speak with raised eyebrows. “Remember, during your fourth year,” she started, then looked out to the corridor as if to make sure nobody was listening before she continued. “The Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Bovem?”

“The one that got sent to Azkaban for sleeping with an underage student?” Sirius asked. “Of course I remember that.”

“It was Lupin,” the bitch said with far too much glee in her voice. “Can’t believe that slag was made prefect.”

“He is top of his year,” Cara said.

“Wonder how many cocks he’s sucked to do that. He doesn’t have the right to ask anyone to do shit,” she said and snorted, then winked at Sirius like he was supposed to have found that funny too.

Oh yes, Sirius really hated this girl.

***

After the feast, the group of Ravenclaw girls found their way into the Gryffindor common room, much to the delight of the Gryffindor boys who were happy to be outnumbered. Everyone who was under fifteen was quickly ushered to their rooms by their year’s not all that responsible prefects before the firewhiskey was brought out. Sirius and James had hidden a few bottles before summer, and were happy to see them still there in the secret alcove they had spent hours charming to look like a regular wall.

Cara and James were hitting it off, which made Sirius happy. He was sick and tired of hearing about Lily Evans, who was happily chatting with her friends in the corner anyway, not even registering that James had another girl in his lap.

Sirius joined the other sixth year Gryffindor boys in a game of exploding snap, in which one had to down a shot every time something exploded or snapped, and was quite tipsy only ten minutes in. James suddenly tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned in his chair to see Cara sitting patiently on the stairs to the dormitory. “You guys don’t mind waiting to go to bed until I get back out right?” he said with a grin and the boys cheered him on.

“Take your time, Jaimie boy,” Sirius said and ruffled his friend’s hair, making no difference to it.

“Can we talk for a minute first?” Sirius nodded and allowed himself to be pulled away to a corner. “Can you give me some tips?” James asked, and Sirius hid his panic behind a grin. What the fuck did he know about sleeping with girls? Or anyone?

“Scared, James?” he asked.

“Give me some pointers at least instead of mocking me.”

“James, listen, every girl is different. You need to figure out yourself what they like and don’t like. The only standard is use a condom and be a gentleman and lick her cunt.”

“But you have slept with her before… as awkward as that is.”

Sirius chuckled. At least this he could be honest about, he supposed. Even if James thought he was skilled, at least he knew the rumors about him were exaggerated. “Jamie, I have never spoken to that girl in my life. Much less shagged her. I’m not so cold that I don’t remember who I’ve been with.”

“Why would she say she had?”

“From what I could tell from watching you guys tonight, that girl hasn’t even snogged anyone before.” This was true, at least from what he had observed of others and from the experience he had from the snog sessions with the Slytherin boy who shall not be named. “She was probably too embarrassed to admit she had zero experience and hoped I was enough of a prick to forget who I had been with. Or more likely her friends told her to do it. She is clean of Sirius cooties, so be gentle with her.”

James smiled, more confident now, and left to join the girl. His stomach sank as he watched them head up to the dormitory and he realized he’d be losing his virginity after James, the biggest ponce in school. A thin arm suddenly snaked its way around Sirius’ waist. It was The Bitch. “Hi, luv. You know, I feel like I’m the only girl that hasn’t shagged you. Should we change that?”

“Listen,” he said, removing her arm. “I realize my standards are low, but I do have them. So no thanks.” For a long minute, she looked utterly confused, then she slapped him hard enough for the sound of the impact to be heard over the music, and all eyes were on them. As it was Sirius being slapped, nobody batted an eyelid, and went back to whatever they were doing.

Needing a cigarette all of a sudden, he brushed the girl off and left through the portrait hole, sauntering up to the astronomy tower.

It was smoking, sometimes even thinking and contemplating, in the astronomy tower that he usually did when James and the other Gryffindors assumed he was off with some bird. His rather contradictory personality could be tiresome at times. Most of the time he’d want to be around people, to be the center of attention, to receive the validation he didn’t get at home. Then all of a sudden he’d get the most burning desire to be all alone without a sound. Perhaps that was also why he had let this nonsense go on for as long as it had. Brushing off friends because he needed to sit all alone in a dark room for an hour wasn’t half as brilliant as brushing off friends to shag someone. And when it was the latter, there was no danger of people worrying or trying to comfort.

As he reached his favorite alone spot, however, he realized he was not alone there for once. Staring dumbly at the pretty Ravenclaw boy sitting there with the telescope and jotting things down in a notebook, illuminated only by the light of his wand, he had to focus hard to regain his ability to breathe. “Are you actually doing homework on the first day?” Sirius asked jokingly, glad his voice hadn’t cracked, or not worked at all for that matter.

The boy was startled, but smiled shyly with those pretty, slightly crooked lips. “Not really homework…” he said, looking embarrassed. “Or, it is, but… I like looking at the stars. It’s calming. And I thought I might as well get a head start.”

“I was joking.” Sirius approached the boy and sat beside him, looking up at the stars without the aid of a telescope. “How do you even have homework yet? Classes haven’t started.”

“I know, but I know we are to do a weekly star chart throughout the semester, and I thought I could get a head start since I was already up here.” The boy looked around Sirius at the steps up to the tower, confused. “Did you come here alone?”

“Yeah, I just came up for a fag.” He held up the carton of cigarettes. “Want one?”

Lupin grabbed a cigarette, and leaned forward so that Sirius could light it with his wand, Lupin’s own still glowing from the lumos spell. “I’m trying to quit,” he said with a sheepish grin.

“How’s that going for you?”

“Terribly.”

Sirius lit his own cigarette. “What’s your first name, Lupin?”

The boy’s brow furrowed with confusion at being asked. “Remus.”

“Nice name.” Remus blushed, very visibly on his pale skin. “I’m Sirius Black.”

“I know. I think everybody knows.” A plan began to form. Remus was a slag, at least according to The Bitch, and seemed to at least be a little attracted to Sirius. He could have sex with him, and since nobody significant talked to him, he could get away with being rubbish at it. Then Sirius’ secret would cease to exist. How was he supposed to initiate it though? The few people he had kissed had come onto him first, but Remus only sat there staring up at the moonless sky. And he didn’t have a condom, and if you wanted to have sex with a bloke, you had to have lube as well if he wasn’t mistaken. Was there a lubrication spell?

“Are you alright?” Remus asked, all of a sudden looking at him and Sirius honestly couldn’t tell when he had moved his head.

“Yeah.” His voice cracked just a bit. “Yeah,” he repeated, voice deep and smooth as it ought to be. Remus watched him, almost expectantly, and it would be easy to lean in and kiss him, take his hand, put his arm around him, whisper how pretty he was, and do him right there on the observation deck. But he couldn’t move.

Remus smoked his cigarette slowly, but soon it was no more than a stump, and he vanished it with a flick of his wand. “I’m finished with my astronomy work,” Remus said, inching closer. He wanted him. Remus Lupin, the prettiest being Sirius had ever laid eyes on, wanted him, and his body wouldn’t fucking move. When Sirius did nothing in response to the subtly obvious come-on, Remus sighed and stood. “I’ll leave you to it then,” he said and walked away.

Sirius wanted to scream for him to stay. To grab him by the face and snog him until they were both out of breath. “Alright. See you around, Lupin.”


	2. Stars Fade in your Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It still counts as Thursday if I haven't gone to bed yet. I finished editing this on Tuesday and was quite happy with it. Then at 5 p.m. today I decided to give it a once-over, and suddenly found myself having spent half a day rewriting it... Also, this is un-betaed and I went a little word blind at the end there, so if you feel like it, please let me know if you see any spelling or grammatical errors in this or the previous or future chapters. One of the worst things I know is rereading something I have posted months later and seeing that there were horrible mistakes in it for the whole world to see.
> 
> I am @spklvrswolfstartrashblog or @spklvr on tumblr.

“Minnie, my darling!” Sirius shouted across the great hall during breakfast as he noticed McGonagall, heading for their table to speak with the sixth years about their NEWTs. 

“Mr. Black,” she replied curtly. She excused herself from the students she was speaking with and headed for James and Sirius. “You are both going on with Potions, Transfiguration, Charms, Herbology and Defence Against the Dark Arts, am I correct?” she asked as she looked over the large stack of parchments she was carrying. 

“Yes,” James said, busy with his bacon and looking confused as to why Sirius had called McGonagall over in the first place. James and Sirius had decided to become auror and curse breaker respectively, and had discussed their NEWTs and career plans in detail with McGonagall several times already.

“I would like to add a subject, if it’s not too much of a bother,” Sirius said. James’ eyes widened with horror and the bacon he was chewing dropped from his mouth and bounced off his leg to the void underneath the tables. 

“Which subject is that?” she asked as she shuffled through her rolls of parchments for his OWL grades. 

“Astronomy.”

She arched one brow, but did nothing else to show her surprise. “As you have an E that should be fine. I will let Professor Sinistra know. The five subjects you already have is quite the workload. Are you sure you want to add another class?”

“I can drop it if it turns out to be too much, right?”

“Yes, you can. Good luck, Mr. Black. As your academic achievements keeps astounding us, I’m certain you will somehow find a way to manage just fine.” As she left, James grabbed him by the shoulder and flipped him around to face him. 

“What the hell was that? Since when do you want to take astronomy?”

“Only fitting, considering my name.” James rolled his eyes and Sirius tried hard not to glance towards the Ravenclaw table. He thought he had spotted Lupin there upon entering, but hadn’t dared get a good look. “That’s unimportant,” he said quickly. “What happened yesterday? You just went to bed straight away when I got in.”

James’ eyes darted around the room for a second or so, before he shrugged his shoulders. “Were you with Cara’s friend? I heard you got slapped.”

Sirius chuckled and humored James’ poor attempt at changing the subject. “Nah, clearly things didn’t work out well with her. Found a Ravenclaw boy in the astronomy tower instead,” he said, which wasn’t a lie. 

James smirked. “You’ve been more and more with boys lately. Have you run out of birds willing to touch your cock?”

“Boys are more fun. You should try it.”

“No thanks,” he said and grabbed another piece of bacon to devour. “I mean,” he started, with a mouthful of food, then swallowed. “I’m not like those other purebloods who are against same-sex relationships, but I don’t think it’s for me. I’ve never looked at another man’s cock and thought I want to do anything with it.”

Sirius snickered. “By the way, your attempts at changing the subject won’t help. Was it that bad?”

There was a single piece of bacon left of James’ plate and he flicked it, flipping it over. “We didn’t do it,” James admitted at last. “We tried, but it wouldn’t really… go in. And she admitted to being a virgin and I told her what you said. She wanted me to apologize to you and to thank you for not embarrassing her.”

“I like her. You should give up on Evans and go with her instead.”

James turned towards the redhead in question, who was looking over one of their new textbooks with her friend Marlene. “But-”

“If she got jealous watching you with Cara that would be one thing, but she didn’t even notice. You and Evans is not going to happen!”

He really hadn’t thought James would look hurt as he said it, because he had said it over and over again since James started fancying her in their third year. Perhaps he had never said it quite so harshly at a moment when the beginning of the end of James’ first love seemed to have arrived. “Let’s go down to the dungeons,” James said morosely, leaving the bacon and pancakes still on his plate. Some house elves would also get their feelings hurt that day. 

Potions was one of the smaller main subject NEWT classes, and was filled mostly with Slytherins and Ravenclaws. Not a single student from Hufflepuff, and only he, James and Lily Evans from Gryffindor. He had hoped Lily Evans wouldn’t be there, but of course she was; the little potions prodigy of Slughorn. She sat with Snivellus, far from them. Sirius did a final once over of the room as they sat with two Ravenclaw boys James knew from quidditch; a stocky beater named Bartholomew and a short, lean, chaser named Sid. He had secretly hoped to see Remus there. He seemed like the type who would enjoy Potions, what with him being a little swotty looking. However, there was no Remus to been seen. 

Slughorn had been circling the room, greeting his favorite students, and ended his round at their table. “I see Lupin has decided to spare us of his presence this year,” Slughorn said with a guttural laugh directed at the Ravenclaws, who agreed with the kind of awkward chuckle one used when teachers tried to be funny. He glanced at James and Sirius and deemed them unimportant, before heading back up to the blackboard. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sirius asked the Ravenclaws once Slughorn was out of hearing range. 

“Oh, he was the worst at potions,” Bartholomew said. “Everything he touched blew up. He’d have gotten a Troll for sure if he didn’t make up for it in the written part.”

“He didn’t get a Troll?” Sid asked, sounding genuinely astounded. 

“Told me he got an A since he got an O on the written. Can’t believe how anyone can be that rubbish at the practical when he clearly knows what he’s supposed to do. Klutz.” Despite many a night hanging out with these boys, drinking after quidditch games, Sirius decided he didn’t like them after all. Ravenclaws seemed to be arses in general apparently, except Remus naturally. 

***

Much to Sirius’ delight, the first person he saw in Transfiguration was Remus. He was speaking with McGonagall in hushed voices, and he looked quite disappointed about whatever the topic was. She patted him on the back and he returned to his seat two rows ahead of Sirius. He had hoped he would sit next to him, but as he hadn’t spared him a glance, he assumed he hadn’t seen him. “What’s going on with you?” James whispered through the corner of his mouth as McGonagall started speaking about what their first year of NEWT levels would entail. 

“Nothing,” Sirius said, even more quietly. “What makes you say anything is going on?”

James looked towards Remus, clearly having noticed Sirius’ staring which hadn’t been as discreet as he had hoped. “Did something happen between you and Lupin?”

“No.” 

He made a point of looking straight ahead at McGonagall and ignored James trying to get his attention. Once the boy had given up, he allowed himself casual glances towards Remus. The brown haired boy was taking rapid cluttered notes as he listened, barely even looking down at his parchment. When he did look down, one lock of hair that curled at the end always fell into his eyes and he frowned adorably with annoyance and either pushed it aside with his quill or blew it away through pursed lips. Though as he sat there, Sirius realized why he’d never noticed him before. He had a way of making himself invisible despite being right there at the front of the class. 

When the lesson was over, Sirius realized he hadn’t actually paid much attention and frowned at his lacking notes. It was the first class, and he doubted they had covered anything important, but it gave him an idea. “Hi Remus,” he said, jumping up from his seat before Remus even had time to put away his quills.

Remus looked behind himself, confused, but there were only two Slytherins there and Sirius certainly wasn’t trying to greet them. “Hi Sirius,” Remus said softly at last, though still puzzled at being spoken to.

“Could I look over your notes real quick? I’m a slow note taker, and parts of the class went a bit too fast for me.” He glanced at James. “And Potter is no good.” 

“They are a bit of a mess, but sure.” He handed over the parchment and continued to put his things away, and finding no reason to linger at the moment, Sirius moseyed back to his desk. Though Remus’ notes were a mess of thoughts and side-notes that went every which way, the writing itself was fully legible. Sirius quickly copied some points that seemed important while simultaneously using his free hand to shove his school things into his bag. Currently it was more important to him to think of topics of conversation that would make Remus stick around. He didn’t get too much time.

“Thank you so much,” Sirius said, handing it back as Remus stopped by his desk. He purposely made sure their hands brushed together. “What NEWTs are you taking? I didn’t see you in Potions,” he said quickly before Remus got a chance to leave.

Remus shuddered. “I’m a disaster at Potions. I couldn’t wait to drop it. I’m taking all the other core subjects, in addition to Care of Magical Creatures, Arithmancy, Ancient Runes and Astronomy. I wanted to take History of Magic as well, but it clashes with Ancient Runes. McGonagall just told me before class she couldn’t work it out for me.”

“How could she have done that?” Sirius asked, as he had never heard of anyone moving the class schedule for a single student before, and it wasn’t like there was a way for Remus to be two places at once. 

He paused, looking like he had been caught almost saying something he shouldn’t have. “Never mind.”

“You’re taking eight NEWTs?” James, who had been sitting back saying nothing until then, gasped, sounding absolutely appalled. “And you wanted to take nine? Are you on a suicide mission?”

“No. I just want to have a good resume for when I start applying for jobs or further education.”

“You only need three NEWTs for an entry level job at the ministry. Eight is overkill,” James said, steadfastly. 

Remus’ cheeks were tinged red with embarrassment, and Sirius wanted to kick James in the shins. “I think it’s admirable,” Sirius said. “And any employer would be ecstatic to hire someone like you, I’m sure.”

“I doubt it,” he said with a timid smile, making Sirius’ heart pound. “I’m off to Herbology. You two as well?” 

“Yes. We’re doing all the core subjects. I’m planning on being a curse breaker when I graduate,” Sirius explained. “I’ve always dreamed of travelling the world on adventures. Potter here’s only going to become an auror or whatever.”

“You need someone on the side of the law looking out for you, Black!” James guffawed. 

Remus laughed, his smile lopsided and perfect, and his eyes narrowed adorably. “You two are ridiculous,” he said as they exited the room and started for the greenhouses. Evans passed them, and for some reason gave them a curious look that Sirius was glad James didn’t notice, because he’d go on and on about it, which would hurt his progress in moving on. It was still odd though. Lily never looked their way usually, unless it was to glare condescendingly when they did something she disapproved of. “I’m kind of jealous,” Remus suddenly said, making Sirius instantly forget about Lily. 

“What are you jealous of?” Sirius asked, trying to sound casual and not interested in prying, despite dying to know. 

“Having a plan like that.”

James spoke before Sirius managed to say some kind of comforting nonsense. “Surely you must have some idea,” James said. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be working that hard on your NEWTs.” 

“I’d love to travel the world too actually,” he said, looking to Sirius, whose face heated up. “Not breaking curses mind you. I’d like to study dark creatures. Hagrid has taken me through the forbidden forest, showing me all the creatures there, but we only have so much diversity of magical wildlife in England. I’d love to travel elsewhere and see what’s out there.” He suddenly snapped his mouth shut. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to go on and on like that.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Sirius said. “That sounds bloody brilliant. How about we travel the world together, going on adventures breaking curses and discovering new magical creatures, and James here can stay home and have a hot meal ready for us when we return.”

“Fat chance,” James said and huffed. 

“That does sound fun,” Remus said, looking down at his shoes, smiling. Sirius wholeheartedly agreed. That sounded brilliant. 

***

“Do you fancy him?”

Sirius looked up from his potions homework at James, who was staring at him expectantly. The common room had emptied out. It was quite late after all. Only a few seventh years playing chess in the corner and a third year having fallen asleep with her book was left. That made the conversation easier, but he wasn’t sure what to say. In the end, he simply shrugged. “Dunno. I like him, I guess. He seems like he’d be fun to hang out with.”

“He was fun to hang out with,” James said, and it was true. They’d spent the whole day with him, as they’d been in the same classes. “It’s just unusual for you to behave this way. You’ve never been interested in making friends besides me.”

“Conceited much,” Sirius snorted. “And I’m not interested in making friends with him. I’d like to shag him senseless.” It was daring to say, and while he pretended he was watching the unlit fireplace with disinterest, he was paying keen attention to James’ reaction in the corner of his eye. Luckily, his friend simply scoffed, amused.

“Of course you are. Anything else would be out of character. Do you think you’d ever like to settle down and have an actual relationship with someone?”

There was little else he wanted more at the moment. “You know me.”

They went quiet, returning to their homework, until James mumbled something under his breath that Sirius didn’t catch. “What was that?” Sirius asked. 

“Remus is a friend of Lily’s,” James repeated, still very much mumbling. 

“And?” Sirius asked, holding back whatever sound of displeasure would come out of his mouth if he let it. 

“And… nothing. I’m over her. Just stating a fact.” It certainly didn’t sound that way, as he mumbled while starting intently at a spot on the floor. 

Sirius decided to ignore it though, and steered the conversation so that he might know more about Remus. “How do you know they are friends?”

“I’ve seen them together a lot,” James explained, finally speaking clearly. He lean back in the armchair and closed the book in his lap, using his pinky as a bookmark. “I was worried they were dating, but everyone I asked said Lupin was bent, so it didn’t bother me for long.”

Sirius arched his brow at James. “You knew him, then?”

“Of him. Didn’t you? He’s in our year and he’s pretty noticeable with that scar. But I never spoke with him. He only knows Lily through Arithmancy and Ancient Runes, and not even her being there was going to make me take those subjects.” He shook his head for emphasis. 

Sirius shrugged, but as he glanced at the time, a surge of adrenaline made him forget everything. “I’ve got to go!” he said, jumping to his feet. “I’ve got astronomy!” He’d nearly forgotten he’d signed up for the stupid class, and shouted a farewell to James as he ran out the portrait hole.

They already had four classes together with Remus. The fifth one wasn’t strictly necessary. However, as he reached the top of the astronomy tower, exhausted from running, and saw the small class of eight, him included, he realized he’d made a good decision. 

“Sirius. I know you told me you were taking this class, yet I still wasn’t expecting you,” Remus said. He looked uncertain, like he wasn’t quite sure if he was supposed to be speaking with him, like him being there wasn’t the whole reason Sirius took the class to begin with.

“You know my name, right? Obviously the Blacks take astronomy very Siriusly.”

Remus snickered at the bad joke as Sirius plopped down next to him. “You don’t have to sit with me if you don’t want to.”

“What makes you think I don’t want to? Do you not want to sit with me?”

“I do!” he said, too quickly, and blushed. “I mean… we just started talking yesterday.”

“What can I say. I liked what I heard.” He winked and hoped it looked seductive. Remus was grinning sweetly as he fumbled with his parchment, so it probably had. They didn’t get to say much else, as Professor Sinistra entered. She was a young teacher and new in her position. She’d always fumble a bit to start with, then when she got into the topic, would forget they were there and go on and on about the stars to herself. But because she was that riveted by them, it was easy to get fascinated by it. 

Despite this, Sirius immediately felt out of depth. Everyone around him seemed to know exactly what she was going on about, and took notes casually as if it was just an obligation. Even diligent notetaker Remus seemed to mostly just listen to the professor. Thing was, while Sirius had received an E on his OWLs, it had been a massive fluke. He was no good at astronomy and had lucked out with the main question and guessed on many of the others. 

The astronomy lessons took place both inside the tower, in a regular classroom, and out on the observation deck, where they went to start their star charts. The deck was furnished similarly to the Divination classroom, with colorful floor pillows and blankets to sit on, giving Sirius horrid flashbacks to nearly passing out from overdosing on incense. However the air was clear and cold out there, and all he could smell was wet stone from the passing rain. Sinistra was very excited about Sirius following his namesake and went on about it for some time. Meanwhile Remus chuckled lightly at Sirius’ surely panicked and exasperated expression while he himself worked. When she finally left them alone, Sirius was exhausted and shot his namesake a glare before getting his telescope. “She’s something else,” Sirius groaned. 

“She is. If it’s challenging, I don’t mind helping you. I have an interest in astrology besides just taking it for my NEWTs.”

Sirius had definitely made the right choice taking astronomy. “That’d be great. Maybe we could meet up in the library sometime and go over it.” Maybe every single day. 

“Of course. My schedule is quite busy, but I’m sure I can squeeze you in.” Sirius prayed to Merlin he wasn’t imagining the flirty tone to his voice. “We can start with fixing your star chart.” He laughed with mock exasperation and leaned over Sirius to start making corrections to the positions he had made. “Do you really like astronomy?”

“Maybe I just wanted to spend some more time with you alone,” Sirius said in a sudden bout of braveness, and was glad it was quite dark and Remus wasn’t likely to see his flushed face betraying that he wasn’t brave at all. 

Remus laughed a little again; it sounded a bit forced. But after fixing his chart, he remained close to him, their thighs touching. 

***

Their first study meeting was already the following day. They had compared schedules and found they both had a few lessons off in the middle of the day. Remus was sitting at a library table, nose already in a book, but he looked up at him as he arrived and smiled. “Ready?” he asked. 

“As I’ll ever be.” Remus briefly went through the lesson they’d had the night before, describing it far better than their professor had. He had such an easy way of explaining things, and Sirius couldn’t help but think Remus would make a great professor himself one day. The thought also stirred up some other ideas in his head, in which he’d been a very naughty student, but for his own comfort, decided to save those thoughts for later. 

In the middle of explaining the path of a meteor passing Mars, Remus’ head suddenly snapped up; Sirius followed his line of sight. Lily Evans was walking by them, carrying a small load of books. She shot Sirius a quick glare before smiling awkwardly at Remus. “Doing well?” she asked stiffly. 

“I am. You?” he responded, if possible more stiffly. 

“Yes… See you around?”

“I’ll be around.”

They forced a stifled chuckle and she left quickly. As she was out of sight, Remus let out a loud, sad, sigh. “What was that about?” Sirius asked. “I thought you two were friends.”

“We are… were.” His sad expression made Sirius want to leap over the table and bring him into a tight hug. 

“Mind me asking what happened? If you don’t feel like it…”

He chuckled. “Actually, I think you’ll be rather sympathetic.” 

“Oh?” Sirius wondered.

“We had an argument about Snape.”

“Snape? What did that greasy fucking assface do?”

Remus struggled to give him a scolding glare for using such language while also cracking a wide grin. “It’s mainly who he’s with.” His smile vanished quickly. “And a little what he’s done. My mum’s a muggle,” he said, studying him for his reaction, but he’d see none. What did Sirius care if Remus’ mum was a muggle? He thought it was interesting if anything. Looking a little pleased, Remus continued. “Lately Snape has been hanging around all these pure blood supporters, people who are giving me shit because of my mum. Mind you, I’ve never liked Snape. He’s bloody obsessed with Lily, and until he found out I was gay, he was a right bastard to me when she wasn’t looking. After he found out he just sort of stopped caring.”

“What did he do?”

After letting out yet another sigh, he shrugged his shoulders. “It was getting more difficult to be around him, and Lily started having to divide up her time even more to hang out with both of us. Then Snape said something I wish hadn’t gotten under my skin, because I realize now it was only to manipulate me, but he mentioned how Lily was social and had loads of friends and was only spending time with me out of pity. Because nobody wanted to be my friend after what happened in fourth year…” He went quiet, and not knowing what to say to bring him comfort, Sirius leaned across the table to take his hand, and held it tightly. “Anyhow, right before term ended last year, I overheard him talking about Lily with his friends and he called her a… the m-word.”

“What!” Sirius exclaimed, horrified. 

“I know! How dare he claim to love her when he calls her something like that? Friend or lover, he’s not good for her, and I told her as much. It caused a pretty big argument. And apparently she had felt hurt because she thought I’d been avoiding her, and that made everything worse…” He trailed off, playing with the page of the book in front of him to calm himself. “Sorry for loading all of that on you.”

“Don’t be. I asked you to.”

“Thank you for listening,” he said quietly, his smile small and apologetic. 

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re right. You shouldn’t accept that kind of behavior from anyone, and if she just lets him talk about you like that, I don’t think she’s being a good friend. I know I’d hex him to oblivion if I heard him saying shit about you.”

An adorable blush bloomed on Remus’ face. “That’s not necessary, but thank you.” He avoided his gaze, but was smiling wider than before. They were still holding hands, Sirius refusing to let go until Remus wanted to, and was Remus gently rubbing Sirius’ palm in comforting circles. 

“You miss her?” Sirius asked carefully, 

“A lot. Snape aside, she was a brilliant friend.”

“You’ll make up. She misses you too. I can tell.”

The desire to kiss him was overwhelming, and he suspected Remus wouldn’t refuse him. However, as he sat frozen in his chair, a realization dawned on him. He was fucking in love. He was in love and he was probably terrible at everything to do with relationships. He’d chosen Remus because nobody would care about his opinion of him, and that if he was lousy in bed Remus wouldn’t tell. And all of a sudden Remus’ opinion of him was literally all that mattered. He wanted Remus to think he was incredible; to take his breath away and make him beg for more, and there was no way he was going to be able to do that when he’d only properly snogged one other person. Not to mention he’d never taken anyone on anything even close to resembling a date. 

He was fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated. 
> 
> If you're like me and often would like to comment but don't because you can't think of anything to say, you may answer today's question:  
> Fuck, marry, kill Remus, Sirius, or James?


	3. Pain Made you Beautiful

For the following two weeks, Sirius and Remus kept meeting up to study. It wasn’t long before their time was spent elsewhere, a favorite pastime of theirs being stealing lunch from the kitchens to eat outside together, enjoying the last bit of warm weather despite it always pouring down. Remus would put up a barrier and dry a patch of grass, while Sirius cast a heating charm and they’d pretend to be enjoying a sunny day while reading and chatting. For the latter of the two weeks, James had started to join as well. 

As Remus didn’t have many friends, he seemed more than happy to have Sirius and James around. Mostly he was happy to be with Sirius, or so James claimed with a wink after James and Remus had spent a few hours on their own when Sirius was stuck in detention, having been caught stealing from the kitchens. “Did he really miss me?” Sirius whispered as they entered the potions dungeon. He had long since given up on trying to hide from James that he was hopelessly in love, though he had yet to state it outright. James easily recognized the signs however, and was simply glad to have company. 

“Definitely. I could tell he wanted to talk about you all the time but had to refrain himself. Whenever I brought you up he got super excited and started talking a mile a minute. And it was all positive,” James said with a grin. “You can only talk like that about someone if you are into them.” They took their seats and Sirius couldn’t stop grinning. 

“Next Hogsmeade weekend, I was thinking of asking him to go with me. You could ask Cara. Make it a double date. For part of the time,” he emphasized. “I’d like to be alone with him too.”

“Sure,” James said, sounding less than enthusiastic. 

“What’s with that attitude? You like Cara, don’t you?”

“I do. It’s just she’s not- Lily?” Both boys startled as the redhead suddenly sat at the same table as them. Even worse, she’d brought Snivellus in tow. He sat beside her, looking equally as startled and confused. “Hi Lily,” James said, attempting poorly to sound smooth. She had chosen to sit across from Sirius rather than him, and he looked miffed about this and tried to scoot closer. “It’s rare for you to sit with us.”

“Rare. Never happened before. Same thing,” Sirius said. “Did you want something?” he asked, as she was ignoring James completely and giving Sirius her full attention. 

“I would like to have a word with you, actually,” she said. About what, Sirius wasn’t told, as Slughorn entered the room. 

Their potions master loudly told his students to be quiet as he began to lay out the ingredients for today's lesson. That he’d brought them from his personal supply meant they were about to brew something dangerous, and Sirius felt a surge of excitement. “Today, my dear students, we are embarking on the rather perilous journey of memory potions. Now, who here can tell me why memory potions are particularly dangerous to brew?” 

Everyone looked to Lily Evans, who was always the one with the answers. Yet she was quiet and her expression was strange. All her facial muscles strained like the question had personally offended her. “It is because they contain the essence of werewolf,” Snape answered in his drawling voice. “A flake of a werewolf’s skin is enough to cause a violent reaction in even the most harmless of potions.”

“Correct. Five points for Slytherin! The main ingredient in memory potions are the Jobberknoll feathers. But to cause the correct reaction activating the memory enhancing agent in the feathers, one must use the essence of werewolf.” He held up small vials for them to see. “This is distilled from werewolf hair. A vial per table is enough. Please come collect them, and we shall begin the brewing.” His great mustache twitched as he smiled. 

No doubt wanting to spend as little time with them as possible, Snape shot up from his chair to pick up the ingredients. “What did you want to say, Evans?” Sirius asked. 

“I wanted to talk to you about Remus,” she said curtly.

“Remus? What about him?” 

“Why are you spending so much time with him?” she asked.

“Because he’s my mate. What’s it to you? Jealous?” Sirius immediately regret what he’d said. He knew very well that besides himself and James, Lily was Remus’ only proper friend, and that his crush missed her a lot.

She groaned, visibly annoyed with him. “I know about you, Black, and how you get around. Remus is fragile-” Snape snorted as he sat back down with them, laying out the ingredients, and she kicked him hard under the table, making him wince. James fought a smile. “He’s been through a lot and if you’re just after a quick shag, find someone else! If you hurt him, I fucking swear, you’ll wish you were back in the Black manor facing your family rather than me.”

Sirius gulped. She definitely meant it. 

“It’s not like that,” James said in his defense, sounding oddly angry. “He really likes Lupin. You should see his stupid face when he talks about him. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention his family again. I thought better of you.”

Lily jolted back in her chair, shocked James of all people had told her off. At that moment, all three of them suddenly remembered that they were in fact in a classroom with other people, who were all staring curiously at them. Even Slughorn, though fond of gossip as he was, he hadn’t told them off. In utter and awkward silence, they hunched over the table and began to prepare their potions. 

James and Sirius were even quicker than normal to get out, and were rushing up the stairs when Lily called out to them. She was running far ahead of Snape, and took Sirius by the arm when she caught up to them. “Sirius, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have mentioned your family.”

“It’s fine. You’re forgiven,” he said, gesturing for her to calm down. She let go and sunk onto herself. “And you don’t have to worry about Remus. My reputation, whatever you’ve heard about me, is exaggerated. Lately especially it’s gotten out of hand, and it’s partly my fault for letting it, but just trust me that I truly like Remus.”

She bit her lip and watched him with hard consideration, but at last she nodded, and he knew he’d gotten the best friend’s approval. Now, if only he could get said best friend to become best friends with Remus again, Sirius was as good as in. “He misses you,” Sirius said, and her breath hitched.

Snape, upon catching up with Lily, shot them a nasty glare and stood himself by her side. “Mind leaving, mate?” Sirius asked him. 

“What for?” Snape asked.

“Because we’re about to talk shit about you behind your back, and we can’t do that with you listening in.”

He sneered, but after a confirming nod from Lily, he continued up the stairs to the main floor. “How could you choose him over Remus?” Sirius asked. 

“I did no such thing!”

“From what I could tell, you did! That bastard called you a mudblood, and you’re still friends with him.”

“He did what?” James exclaimed and pulled out his wand, ready to curse whoever might walk by.

“It’s not that simple, Black,” she said as she pushed James’ wand arm back down. “I know Snape’s fallen in with a bad crowd and that he’s possessive of me.”

“Obsessive more like it,” Sirius snickered.

She chose to ignore him. “But we’ve been friends since we were children. He taught me about magic and was my friend when I thought I was a freak... and he’s had a troubled past, not much unlike yours, Sirius.” 

“So you’re friends with him out of guilt?” James asked, not sounding as condescending as he could have. 

“No,” she said, and folded her arms tightly around herself. “Because I feel like I owe him. Because I’m afraid of what he’ll become if I abandon him.” 

“While that’s admirable, is it really worth it in the end if he hurts you and the people around you? There’s only so much one can do,” James said, and she went mute for a moment. 

“You’re one to talk Potter!” she said sharply. “It’s not like you’re much better, what with your and Black’s bullying. Of Sev as well might I add.” Sirius slowly backed away, not wanting to get in the crossfire in the sudden heated discussion between James and Lily.

“I’ll admit I’ve been a prat to a lot of people, but if you haven’t noticed, we’ve stopped as of late, because we grew up and realized it. What excuse does Sev have, considering he’s just getting started being a twat?”

“He’s had a shit life and he needs someone. That’s his fucking excuse. Goodbye, Potter!” she spat, then hurried up the stairs after Snape. 

“Can’t believe that girl,” James said and huffed. At the very least, he was more likely to be into Cara after that, Sirius thought. “Let’s head for Transfiguration. I’m sure you’re missing your boyfriend,” he said, attempting a humorous tone. Sirius attempted a laugh.

As Sirius was missing his boyfriend, he couldn’t help but be excited despite himself. Besides potions, it was his favorite day of classes because nearly all of them had Remus in them. Yet when they got to the classroom, there was no Remus to be seen. 

He wasn’t in Herbology either, and when he asked one of the Ravenclaws, they said he was probably just sick again. The again made his stomach churn. Had he been sick a lot? Why hadn’t he noticed? He hadn’t even shown up to astronomy, and Sirius sat himself out on the deck on his own, no doubt messing up his star chart badly without Remus there to keep him company. The stars were obscured by the light reflected off the massive full moon, and he thought he might be hearing the sound of the Shrieking Shack ghost. He and James had broken in a couple of times, but having not found any ghosts, had determined it was probably the wind. 

He shivered. The roof was awfully cold without his Remus. 

***

“Lily!” Sirius called out, and she looked almost panicked for a second at the sight of him, but composed herself quickly. She was about to exit the Gryffindor common room, probably heading down for breakfast. 

“What is it?” she asked. 

“I can’t find Remus,” he said, and couldn’t bring himself to care about how whiny and sad he sounded. “He’s not been in the Ravenclaw tower since yesterday, and I asked madam Pomfrey since they said he was sick, but she said he wasn’t there either. You don’t think anything’s happened to him, do you?”

She let out a long breath, then smiled sweetly at him. “He’ll be back tonight. Don’t worry. His mum is sick, and when it’s real bad he’s allowed to floo home, just in case.”

“Oh,” he said. “I didn’t know his mum was sick. He never told me.”

“He doesn’t like to tell anyone, so don’t press it. See you in class.” She smiled again, and headed out the portrait. Just as it closed behind her, James’ head popped out from under the invisibility cloak, hovering in thin air. 

“That’s odd,” he said.

“What’s odd?” Sirius asked, having not picked up anything remotely odd from that conversation. 

“She said see you in class. Not at breakfast.” Sirius shrugged, still not seeing the point. “Well that suggests she’s not going down for breakfast. Let’s follow her.”

“Didn’t you stop stalking her in fourth year?”

He grimaced. “It’s a little creepy, I know. But I’m worried about her. What with Snape and his lot going around calling her mudblood. What if they’re targeting her?”

“Come on,” Sirius said and got under the cloak. “Let’s follow her.” He’d be hearing about it for the rest of the day if they didn’t. 

Sirius was positive James was wrong and she had simply assumed she wouldn’t be talking with them at breakfast, but it didn’t take long before it was clear she was indeed not headed for the great hall. Instead it seemed she was heading for the hospital wing. “Maybe she’s sick,” Sirius suggested quietly. 

“I guess,” James said. They followed her to the entrance to the hospital wing. Lily held the door open, looking inside. “Let’s leave. I don’t want to intrude if she’s sick,” James whispered. “What if it’s some kind of lady thing? She’d kill me if she found out I’d listened in on that.” Sirius nodded, happy to get away to eat breakfast, and they were about to leave when Lily spoke. 

“I’m here to see Remus,” she said quietly as madam Pomfrey came up to her. Pomfrey nodded and let her in, and James and Sirius managed to slip inside before the door closed behind them, both too curious to think rationally. 

Pomfrey led Lily to the very back of the room, where she pulled the curtains of the bed at the very end. A pallid and sickly Remus was in it, and Sirius gasped. Madam Pomfrey looked behind her at the sound, but seeing nothing, she left Lily and Remus alone.

“You came,” Remus said, his voice weak. He looked feeble and shook as he sat upright. Lily helped him by putting the pillow behind his back. 

“Of course. I brought you chocolates, like always.” She pulled out a box from the pocket of her robes. “I bought them in York over the holidays. A different flavor for each visit to the hospital wing,” she said and winked. “This month's flavor is chocolate and rhubarb.”

Remus moaned with pleasure. “I love you,” he said and unboxed his present, eating the truffle slowly. “Pomfrey’s only got plain milk chocolate. It gets real boring.”

“I know. You complain about it every time.” There was a long, awkward pause between them, where Remus simply ate chocolate while Lily stared at the box he picked them from. The silence was making Sirius realize what he and James were actually doing, and the invisibility cloak was starting to feel awfully clammy. “Remus, I’m sorry,” Lily said. “You had every right to be upset with Sev. I should have been more upset with Sev. I just don’t know what to do about him anymore.”

“You want to save him.” The defeated way in which he spoke broke Sirius’ heart, and he had to stop his urge to jump out from under the cloak to embrace him tightly.

“I don’t think he wants to be saved.” She sighed. “This summer he sent me a letter that I’ve ignored. Said he would never spend time with Mulciber if only I opened my eyes and started dating him.” Knowing James, Sirius put a hand over his mouth, muffling his horrified gasp. 

“He hasn’t brought it up either?”

“Nope,” she said, awkwardly popping the p. “We only really spend time together in Potions since we started school. We haven’t even worked together down in that abandoned room in the dungeons anymore. I don’t want to go down there. I’m a bit scared what he might do... What his friends might do.”

“I’m sorry,” Remus whispered. 

She accioed a pillow from the bed besides them, and Sirius and James just barely managed to jump out of its path. With the pillow, she too propped herself up against the headrest next to Remus, and they leaned on each other. 

“Forget about that for now,” she said. “You’ve got enough to think about.”

“I’m okay,” he said. Lily suddenly broke out into a mischievous grin, causing Remus to curve his brows with slight fear. . 

“What’s happening with you and Sirius Black?”

He blushed, bringing much needed color to his face. Sirius was certain he did as well and the cloak felt even hotter than before. He really wanted to leave, but there was no way for them to get out of the room undetected. “I don’t even know,” Remus said. “We met up at the astronomy tower and I thought he was going to make a move on me.” He hesitated for a short moment. “And I was sort of going to let him, you know. Would be nice to shag someone my own age.” Sirius could feel James’ eyes on him, but he was too embarrassed and focused on the conversation in front of him to acknowledge this. 

“What professor Bovem did-” Sirius had hoped she’d reveal something about what had happened during their fourth year, but Remus interrupted her. 

“I know. I know,” he muttered, and Sirius supposed it was probably for the best. He’d prefer for Remus to tell him on his own. He knew how angry he’d get if someone found out all of his secrets without him knowing. “That’s all beside the point,” Remus continued. “It’s just that nothing happened, so I thought I’d probably misread the situation, but he keeps hanging out with me and being very touchy-feely. I don’t know what’s going on.”

Lily smiled. “He likes you.” Yes, Sirius was definitely blushing. It wouldn’t surprise him if his face was actually on fire. 

“How do you know?” Remus asked coyly. 

“The way he looks when he talks about you,” she said, grinning. 

“And you’d be okay with it if I… started hanging out with him more?” Sirius’ heart made a leap so big he thought it might actually jump out of his mouth. Remus wanted to hang out with him more, knowing that Sirius liked him. Meaning he might like him back. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” she asked, shrugging her shoulders. “Sirius is okay. Loud and obnoxious at times, but mostly okay.” He supposed that was about all the praise he could expect to get from Evans. 

“I was thinking about his better half actually. You’re not too fond of him.”

“Potter?” She made a face, but it softened quickly. “He’s growing on me.” While James hadn’t exactly been running laps next to him, upon hearing this he stilled completely, not even breathing, and Sirius held back a curse. 

“Really? James Potter?” he asked loudly with disbelief. “The same guy whose mouth you hexed off last semester? He’s growing on you?”

She hit him playfully. “Shut up! Listen, I’ve got to go to class and you look like you need another eight hours of sleep. Meet you in the library later tonight?”

“Yes. See you then.” They kissed each other’s cheeks as she left, and James and Sirius followed her closely through the door to escape unnoticed. As soon as she was out of sight, the two boys pulled into a supply closet and threw off the cloak. 

“Fuck!” Sirius said. “Why would you drag me along for this?”

“You found out where Remus was,” he said defensively, folding his arms. 

“Yes, but I also found out that he’s sick and is hiding it from people for some reason. I don’t want to know secrets about him that he hasn’t told me!” he said through gritted teeth. “How do I bring this up? Sorry, Rem, I accidentally spied on a very private conversation between you and Lily. Hope that’s alright.” 

“I’m sorry, okay!” James’ arms going from crossed to flailing every which way. “I was worried about her, and it seemed like I had every right to be. She’s scared of those bloody Slytherins.” He pointed downwards with both hands for emphasis. 

“You’ve been at the receiving end of her curses enough to know she can take care of herself. And you were giving up on her anyway, weren’t you?”

“What? Because I’ve started dating someone else, I should just let her get hexed by a group of fanatical pure blood elitists?”

Sirius wanted to rip his hair out, but being quite fond of his hair, opted to collapse against the wall instead. “That’s not what I meant.”

There was a long pause where James only stared at the floor and shuffled his feet before he mumbled, “She said I was growing on her. Do you think-”

“No!” He bounced off the wall and clasped his hand over James’ mouth. “I do not think whatever you were about to ask. You’ve got a pretty and cute Ravenclaw. Forget about Lily!”

James nodded solemnly. “You’re right,” he said, voice muffled by Sirius’ hand, and he let go to let him speak now that he was finally talking sense. “I’m being no better than Snape.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

“It’s true though!” he said dejectedly. “She doesn’t want me. That she might be starting to tolerate me doesn’t change that. I’m going to move on like a healthy normal person.”

“Good on you, mate,” he said, feeling relief wash over him. All his hard work to get James to move on wasn’t for naught. “Go ask Cara to the Hogsmeade weekend, and I’ll catch Remus when he and Lily leaves the library and ask him then.” James pocketed the cloak, and after performing their secret handshake to settle their promise, they realized they’d be late for class soon and ran back to the tower for their things. 

And that night, having confirmed that Lily and Remus were still inside chatting, Sirius stood himself at the doors to the library and waited for them to exit as the bell rang for curfew. “Hey,” he said, as the two finally came out.

They startled a bit, but Lily just smiled knowingly and left for the Gryffindor tower, though not before giving Remus a reassuring pat on the back. “Hi,” Remus said as they were alone. He was still pale, but looked much better than that morning. He was clean and smelling of soap. 

“I was just wondering if you wanted to go with me to Hogsmeade?” Sirius asked, ignoring his pounding heart and the blood rushing to his head, making him feel faint and nauseous. Why was he feeling this way, when he knew that Remus liked him? He had been relatively calm until Remus had come, but upon seeing him his whole body went haywire. 

“Um… in what capacity?” he asked quietly.

“Romantically. As my date.” He was hot and cold simultaneously, and the room was spinning like that one time he and James had tried smoking gillyweed. What if he’d misunderstood? What if he only liked him as a friend?

“The Hogsmeade weekend isn’t for another three weeks. Isn’t it a bit early to ask?”

Sirius shrugged casually and leaned against the wall to keep from falling over as he screamed on the inside. Was he trying to get out of it? Did he not want to go with him? “Think you’ll get tired of me before then?” he asked and forced a smirk. 

Remus shrugged too, also very casually and Sirius wondered if he too was panicking on the inside or if he really was that calm.. “The other way around seems more likely,” Remus said with a cocked smile. 

“Not a chance.” How could he ever tire of Remus? He only spent about every second of every day thinking about him. “So what do you say?”

Finally, Remus allowed himself some physical reaction, his face flushing brightly, which reassured Sirius that he wasn’t the only one who felt like a silly thirteen year old asking their crush to a dance. “Sure. I’d like that.”

As his hands no longer shook with nerves, he wiped them discreetly off sweat on his robes and took hold of Remus’ hand and pulled him closer. “Walk you to the tower?”

“I’m not a blushing maiden.”

“Tell that to your face.” Remus covered his rather red cheeks with his free hand, smiling sweetly, the scar on his face pulling at the one side of his lips adorably. “How’s your mum?” Sirius asked, feeling like he’d stare at his face forever if he didn’t interrupt it somehow. “Lily told me she was ill.”

“Oh, she’s much better, thank you.” There was no tell that Remus was lying, and it was scary how easy it came to him. It made him think about how many times he might have been lied to to his face and not known. He really hated knowing, but he’d work hard to ensure Remus would trust him enough to divulge the secret on his own. 

As they reached the door to the Ravenclaw tower, he thought he might try to kiss him. It had been the plan, so that there would be no confusion about their trip to Hogsmeade being a date. He chickened out halfway to Remus’ face, and kissed his cheek instead. “Let’s meet in the library tomorrow,” Remus said. “You can help me catch up on Transfiguration and Herbology, and I’ll fix your star chart.”

“As long as you’re okay knowing I make mistakes on purpose to spend time with you.” 

“Goodnight, Sirius,” he said and headed up the stairs.

“Goodnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question of the day, what's your favorite class at Hogwarts? Because we all went there in our hearts :D


	4. Warm Kisses in Cold Weather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the abrupt week hiatus. This was due to me suddenly deciding that I didn't like the ending of this fic and completely changing it. To compensate, and because this chapter is quite short, I will try to post the next chapter on Sunday/Monday, before resuming our regular schedule. By then I will also have slightly edited a few of the previous chapters, but all that will change is that the existence of Regulus is acknowledged. I had originally not planned to include him in this, but the new ending has him become a significant character. But "Real Life" is busy this weekend, so we'll see if I manage. It might not happen until Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.

Wearing unusually proper robes and with their hair full of Sleekeazy Potion, Sirius and James hurried down the stairs towards the entrance halls and their dates. Sirius had spent nearly two hours getting ready in preparation for their Hogsmeade weekend, while James laughed his arse off as he watched. He refrained from mentioning that had it been Lily James was going out with, it would have been him standing there getting ready (instead James had just thrown something clean on and deemed it good enough). However, Sirius had no intention of bringing her up. Not now that James seemed to actually be moving on and Lily didn’t hate them anymore. 

As they finally reached their destination, they saw Cara and Remus had met up while waiting for their dates, and were making awkward conversation. It was clear they had never properly spoken despite being in the same house. Remus was looking very pretty, in a comfy muggle jumper and jeans under his winter cloak. “Ready to leave?” Sirius asked, taking Remus’ arm in his. 

“I’m ready,” he said with his lopsided smile and pink-tinged cheeks. 

Cara and James greeted and kissed in their peripheral vision, but they paid them little mind. At the moment, he couldn’t care less about James’ date. Not when his own was right in front of him looking stunning. 

Putting a small damper in their plans was the absolutely dreaded weather. It had rained nearly every day since term started, so that was no surprise, but a terrible wind pulled at them and made the trees sink sideways. Remus’ shield coming out from his wand could only do so much, and their feet were drenched and freezing by the time they reached Hogsmeade. “Let’s go to Madam Puddifoot's!” Cara said cheerfully, pointing at the unusually empty cafe. 

Most of the students had opted to not go this Hogsmeade weekend - only the four of them and the thirds years who would brave any weather for their first trip - and Sirius reckoned the rest had all gone to huddle up by the fire and have a warm butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks. “Whatever you want,” James said, his voice only baring a hint of dread. 

“Relax,” Cara said, chuckling. “I’d just like a hot cake and some tea and we may leave.”

“That doesn’t sound bad, actually,” Remus said and Sirius agreed. Anything warm that would make Remus smile sounded perfect. 

They found themselves a table for four, and ordered a selection of teas and cakes, all warm, to share. As only a few other tables were taken, they received their food quickly. Sirius had expected Remus to immediately go for the chocolate cakes, having seen how much he appreciated the chocolate given to him by Lily, but instead he seemed to favor the apple crumble and raspberry pie with homemade hot custard. 

He took note of this nevertheless. A literal note, in his recently acquired Remus Lupin journal, when he got back to his dorm. He wanted to learn all of Remus’ favorite things and make sure he’d not forget them. 

“How did the two of you come to start dating?” Cara asked suddenly, looking to Remus and Sirius. “You’re a bit of an odd pair.”

“How are we an odd pair?” Sirius asked, thinking they made a fine pair. 

“I don’t know. You’re more of a bad boy, and Remus is a… well, prefect.”

James laughed. “You wouldn’t know it by looking at him, but Sirius is actually only second to Lily when it comes to academic achievements for Gryffindors our year.”

“Are you really?” Her voice went up a few octaves with surprise, which Sirius felt was undeserved. It wasn’t exactly a secret he did well in school, just because he didn’t boast about it either. “Then how come you’re not a prefect?”

“My academic achievements are unfortunately rendered mute by my time spent in detention,” Sirius explain, though he hadn’t spent much time at all in detention so far that year. Time normally spent plotting pranks seemed to be spent either studying now that they had to focus on the future, or plotting how to impress their dates. When they had become these people, Sirius didn’t know. “Thus it went to Peter Pettigrew instead.”

“Best prefect we could have hoped for. Doesn’t dare stand up to any of us,” James said and snickered. “Not that we’ve needed it much lately. Fuck, we’ve matured. Not sure I like it.” 

“Suppose you’re actually a good pair then,” Cara said, making Remus smile. 

“I suppose we are,” Remus said as his leg tangled around Sirius’, making Sirius smile. 

When the weather let up, they were able to do a bit of shopping. In Tomes and Scrolls, Remus looked at a book about magical creatures of ancient Egypt with longing, but it was expensive even for students of regular income families, and Remus had said he was poor. Sirius made a second note for a Christmas gift idea.

Just as they finished their shopping, the skies opened again, and rain poured. After running into the Three Broomsticks, James and Cara met up with some friends of hers, and the four of them split into pairs of two. This suited Sirius just fine. 

Everyone had huddled in front of the two large fireplaces, but Sirius felt like privacy, and brought Remus to a corner of the room abandoned in favor of the flames. It was cold, but when they snuggled up together in the booth, it was like they had their own personal flame to keep them warm. “I’m sorry I’ve been quiet today,” Remus said. “I haven’t gone on a date before and I was nervous.”

“Don’t think about it. I talk plenty for the both of us,” Sirius said. That Remus had never gone a date before made him feel a jolt of excitement. He’d assumed Remus was experienced at everything when it came to sex and dating. That he wasn’t made the tension building in his body let up, allowing him to breathe properly. “This is my first proper date as well,” Sirius admitted. “Luckily I talk even more when I’m nervous. What a fine pair we make.”

Remus laughed, his crooked smile pulling up the right cheek more than the left because of the scar. Unable to resist the temptation, Sirius gently trailed his finger along it. “Do you like scars?” Remus asked, his tone neutral like he was asking if he preferred chocolate or vanilla. 

“I’m indifferent to scars.” Sirius spoke quietly, and did not cease trailing his fingers along Remus’ face, but moved on from the scar to the lips and jaw. “They’re just part of you, like a mole or a birthmark. I only wish you didn’t have this scar because it looks like it must have caused you pain.”

“It did.” Remus spoke in a breathy whisper. All of a sudden, though the movement had been agonizingly slow, Remus’ face was very close to Sirius’. He could feel the warm air emitted from Remus’ lips caught by the moisture on his. Sirius caught his breath, gasping for that Gryffindor courage, before closing the gap and kissing the boy he’d been so very much in love with for the better parts of two months. 

It was everything everyone had told him how a kiss should feel. There was an electric, tingling surge running through his body, from his head to his groin, to his toes and back up to his heart, before doing another round. As Remus’ tongue circled around his, he couldn’t help but think about how his life was finally coming into place perfectly. He had a family who loved him, a best friend and brother in James, and friend and lover in Remus. All the pain and abuse he’d endured, began to feel as if it was truly behind him as the future began to consist only of the good things. He was no longer doomed to a life without love, undeserving of it, because he could feel it in Remus’ every touch. It wasn’t necessarily the long lasting kind - not yet - but it was true at that moment. 

When they returned to the castle, it was still raining and windy outside, and they were cold and wet again, standing in the entrance hall. “Are you going to eat dinner?” Sirius asked Remus. James and Cara were off to the side, talking and preparing to go to the Great Hall. 

“No. I’m too full. Aren’t you?”

“I am… so I thought… maybe you wanted to come up to my room. My roommates will be away for a few hours.” He nodded towards James with Cara, and he knew Peter was going off somewhere after dinner, though he hadn’t cared enough to know what.

“I don’t know, Sirius. I’m not quite ready for that.”

Sirius was confused for a few seconds, until he realized what it had sounded like. He’d really just wanted to be alone with Remus for a bit longer. Maybe snog some more if the mood struck. “We don’t have to do anything!” he said hurriedly, unable to keep the panic from rising in his chest. 

Remus gave him a reassuring smile as his coarse fingers combed through Sirius’ wet hair. “I know, but when we are alone together on a bed, things may happen whether we plan for it or not,” he said and chuckled lightly. Just the mention of the possibility of them on a bed together had Sirius’ groin stirring, so he was most likely right. “I really like you,” Remus continued. “And I want you that way, don’t get me wrong, but I feel that if we sleep together I’ll start to have feelings for you that I’m not ready for. Do you understand?”

Sirius exhaled slowly. “I do.”

“Will you give me some time?”

“Of course. As much time as you want. Days or years, whenever you like.”

“It won’t be years.”

“Well good, because I was only prepared to give you 23 of those. If you haven’t slept with me by the time we’re forty, I’m out of here.”

Sirius went in for another kiss, which Remus was smiling too hard at to properly reciprocate. “I promise to sleep with you sometime before we’re forty,” he said, still running his hands through Sirius’ hair, and he never wanted him to stop, and pouted when he let go. “Want to study with me tomorrow? I’ll go harder on you now that I know how smart you are. And I’ll give you a kiss when you get something right.”

“Please stop feeding my professor Lupin fantasies. They are becoming a legitimate problem.” Remus only laughed, making no promises to do any such thing, before they returned to their respective dormitories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question of the week: favorite and least favorite book of the HP series?


	5. The Home I Never Had

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have an excuse for being late other than that I've been super sleepy for two weeks straight and I can't edit when I'm sleepy... so this is not the best, tbh. I've made some edits to chapter 1 now, so I'll prob slowly go through this fic and make it better as I go along.

Sirius stepped off the train heavily, holding Remus’ hand tightly in his. Surrounding them were couples all over kissing and hugging and making promises to write every day. Being part of a couple made it all them so much more noticeable. “We’re too cool for that kind of behavior, aren’t we?” Sirius asked Remus, though he’d very much like to give him a good snog. But though he couldn’t see them, he knew his parents were likely to be on the platform somewhere as he had spotted Regulus walking past their compartment. 

“You actually cried yesterday, Sirius. You have no right to claim yourself cool,” Remus mocked playfully and gave him a kiss on the cheek. His family could go fuck themselves, he wanted to snog Remus. 

“It wasn’t crying. I was sniffling,” he said and put his arms around him.

“Practically bawling.”

“Shed three tears at most.”

“Per second.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.” With his hands firmly holding each of Remus perfect cheeks, he went in for a quick, loud kiss. “I’ll owl you the moment I get back home,” Remus continued. 

Sirius could feel some tears threatening to fall then as well, but while he felt alright crying in front of his boyfriend when they were alone, he was not comfortable breaking down in front of a crowd. He coughed the lump out of his throat and gave Remus a manly pat on the back. “Well, you better. See you in two weeks.”

“Almost three.”

“Don’t do that!” Sirius cried as he clung to a laughing Remus’ cloak. 

James came up and slung an arm around his shoulders, pulling him abruptly out of Remus’ reach. “Mum and dad are here,” he said, pointing at Monty and Effie in the crowd.

His adoptive parents waved happily as they saw him looking. “Fine,” Sirius pouted, only conceding because he really had missed them. “One last kiss.”

“You snogged the whole way over here and I’m starving,” James growled. “We’re going now!” 

“Bye my love!” Sirius shouted as he was pulled away. 

Remus overdramatically, with big movements, blew him a kiss, which he caught and put in his pocket to save for a lonely moment. As they got into the ministry car taking them to the closest floo point, Sirius suddenly realized James was annoyed about something. That he pulled Sirius away from Remus wasn’t new, as it at times was highly necessary because Sirius could get clingy to the point he wouldn’t let go if his life depended on it. But as James spoke with his parents, he was short with all the answers to their questions when he’d normally be happy to embellish, and simply grunted in response whenever Sirius spoke to him. 

It wasn’t until that night that he got his answer. They’d gone to bed, but Sirius, unable to sleep because James’ behavior was nagging at the back of his brain, jumped up and headed to his brother’s room. They’d caught each other naked and/or wanking enough to lose count, but the sight that met him was new. James was sat on the bed, staring at nothing, looking sad. 

“What’s going on?” Sirius asked carefully, noting that he was acting very much like he was approaching a unicorn foal, and sat down besides his brother on the bed. “You’ve been testy all day and now you look like you might go and off yourself if I leave you to it.”

James made a feeble attempt at a smile. “I’m alright. It’s just… yesterday Cara broke up with me.” 

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know. I just didn’t think I could say it out loud yet. And seeing you being all happy with Remus pissed me off. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’d have toned it down if we knew.” He combed his fingers through James’ messy strands like Remus enjoyed Sirius doing to him, but they kept getting caught in the tangly mess, and he had to resort to patting him like the unicorn foal that he was. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I didn’t think you’d take getting dumped by Cara this hard.”

“I was starting to really care about her,” he said in a whisper, but his voice regained strength as he continued. “It was rocky to start with, but I thought it was getting really good. But apparently that didn’t show, because she needed more time to focus on her OWLs, and she thought I wouldn’t mind since I wasn’t that invested in the relationship anyway. She made sure it was a clean break too. No ‘maybe later when my OWLs are over.’ That was it.”

“Sorry.”

James curled up in arms and allowed himself to pout childishly as Sirius continued to stroke his head. “Mind not looking so stupidly happy and in love with Remus for a bit? Just until I feel better.”

“Of course.”

“Thank you.” They moved to lie down on the bed, and soon fell asleep. 

***

Sirius fully intended to keep his promise to not gush about Remus, but this proved difficult when only the next afternoon, Remus’ owl Buttercup arrived at their windowsill with a letter in its beak. Sirius looked up at James, who was reading a Quidditch magazine. When James finally realized he was being stared at, he let the magazine fall to his lap as Sirius put on his most pleading expression and made a noise like a dog in pain. 

“You may gush about Remus for 30 seconds. Starting now.”

“His parents are going away for a night and he wondered if I wanted to come and keep him company and he may have not so subtly suggested we make love.” He’d written that he hoped Sirius would be alright not waiting until they were forty. 

“Good for you,” he said, starting out sincere but ending on a sarcastic note. Sirius didn’t say anything more; only reread the letter over and over, knowing full well he had a stupid grin on his face. “Why are you this excited? Don’t the two of you shag enough at school?” 

“Um, we’ve never shagged, actually.”

There was a long beat. “What?”

“Remus was unsure about my intentions, so we decided to wait until he felt comfortable in our relationship. We’ve only snogged.”

“But neither of you are virgins. Why wait this long?”

His gut always clenched a little at the thought of Remus being with someone else. An older man no less, with far more experience. At least he was in fucking Azkaban, though he thought that was a bit extreme for sleeping with a fifteen year old, student or not. A few years in a less secure prison and surely not allowed to teach again, but Azkaban was for serious criminals and murderers. “It doesn’t matter,” Sirius said, trying to believe it himself because at the moment it mattered a lot. “I’d wait forever for Remus. But I don’t have to, because we’re doing it three days from now!”

Three days, and he’d lose his virginity, at last. He no longer had to lie to James or anyone else. 

***

The evening Sirius arrived at the Lupin home by floo, Remus was sat in a large, cozy armchair in front of the fire, and smiled shyly up at him. “I missed you,” Sirius said and bent down to kiss his seated boyfriend, and soon fell into his lap, straddling him, as their kiss deepened. 

“I missed you too,” Remus breathed as they parted for air. “You look great,” he said and kissed him again. Sirius had spent two hours in front of the mirror, inspecting his naked body for odd hairs and pimples, before agonizing over what to wear down to his underpants, and thought he better look great after all that effort. 

Remus seemed annoyingly relaxed, whereas Sirius was tense to the point he struggled to breathe. “So…” Sirius started, drawing out the vowel. “What’s the plan for tonight?”

“I thought I made that pretty clear in my letter.”

“Are we just going straight at it then?”

“No,” he chuckled. “Or I suppose we could if you wanted to, but we’ve got some dinner if you’re hungry. Mum cooked, don’t worry.”

“I am a little hungry.” Sirius honestly felt relieved. He thought he was ready for what was to come, had been excited about it even; but suddenly his limbs felt gelatinous and his heartbeat painful against his ribs. A nice dinner would calm him down, surely.

Smiling, Remus gently pushed Sirius off him as he got up from the armchair. “I’ll heat it up.”

“Do you need help? I’ll heat it up with my wand.” Having just turned seventeen, the novelty of being allowed to do magic outside of school still hadn’t worn off. Especially since he had only been away from Hogwarts for a few days. 

“I just have to pop it in the oven. No need for magic,” Remus said. “Besides, I don’t want my father to see that I had someone over without him knowing.” Sirius followed Remus into the kitchen, inspecting the house along the way. It was small and cozy, full of mismatched furniture with garish patterns and knitted throws. The walls were covered with family pictures, Remus being the most prominent. 

“Remus, how come the pictures don’t move?” Sirius asked, poking a photograph of a smiling little Remus sitting underneath a Christmas tree. 

“They are muggle photos. They do not move.”

Inside the kitchen were a mass of oddities Sirius had never seen anything like. “What’s this?” he asked, pointing at a little box with buttons, with a blackened window in its door.

“A microwave. Mum got it as a present from my rich aunt, but we hardly ever use it.” Remus was using a contraption that looked somewhat like the micro thing, only much larger. “This is an electric stove,” Remus explained, seeing Sirius eyeing it curiously. Sirius could not make sense of the knobs, but Remus rotated two of them like he knew exactly what he was doing. 

“So this heats up the food with that muggle thing? Electricity?”

“Yes. It’s a little bit like magic that comes out of the white squares on the walls. Or at least that’s the extent to which I’m going to explain it, because I’ve got better things to do tonight than tell you how electricity works,” he said with a wink. 

Remus then went and opened up a white, shiny cupboard that had Remus’ owl results on them attached with a smiling pig holding a frying pan. It really only was potions he had an even remotely bad grade in. Everything else were straight O’s, and he felt a strange sense of pride. Being distracted by his boyfriend’s intelligence, it took him a moment to realize what was inside the cupboard, and he abruptly grabbed the door as Remus tried to shut it. 

“A refrigerator,” Remus said with a chuckle. “It keeps the food cool so that it doesn’t go bad.”

“Ingenious!” Sirius said. “It’s even got a light inside it. Why doesn’t all cupboards have lights inside them?”

“Because wizards still use torches and oil lamps.” He put the food he’d gotten from the cupboard and put in a square glass bowl that he then put into the oven. Next to the oven was a little red egg shaped thing with numbers on it, and Remus picked it up and twisted it. “It’s got a little bell in it that rings when the food is ready,” he explained. 

Sirius picked it up to inspect it more closely and shook it to hear the bell ring. “Weird.”

“Come on,” Remus said, slinging an arm around him and giving him a quick peck on the cheek. “I’ll show you something brilliant in the living-room.

That something brilliant was a picture box muggles called a telly, and it really was brilliant. Not only did the pictures move, but they had sound and told a story. This one was a comedy set in the American old west, about two brothers who didn’t like each other very much and fought with people all the time. Sirius loved it. “We’re getting one of these when we leave Hogwarts,” Sirius said. 

“We are?” Remus said, sounding strange. 

“Yeah, you and me.”

“Bit early to ask if I want to move in with you, isn’t it?”

“I mean, I’m not. I just figure if we’re still together when we graduate, I’d like to find a flat with you. You don’t want to?” 

Remus didn’t answer, and when the bell of the red egg shaped thing rang, he didn’t have to. They ate dinner while watching the movie and had some Christmas cookies for dessert. Things were awkward to start, but Sirius soon got the conversation going again on topics that were not related to their future. Inside however, Sirius was starting to dread the idea that Remus might not care about him as much as Sirius cared about Remus. 

“Would you like to take a shower? Together.” The sentence startled every thought out of his brain. A wet, naked, Remus was something he’d very much like to see and it made him gape stupidly like a goldfish. “I take that as a yes.”

Remus brought him to the upstairs bathroom, which was small with green tiles, and had a few appliances Sirius didn’t know what was, but at the moment had no interest in asking about. Just from the anticipation of what was to come, Sirius’ cock was swelling rapidly, straining against his trousers. The room was dark, lit only by a light above the sink even though they had a ceiling light. While he wasn’t certain, he guessed it was due to the scars he’d spotted on Remus’ body. They weren’t very visible as he undressed, but one in particular across his chest lit up, and Sirius reached out to touch it. 

“You never ask about them,” Remus said. 

“When you want to tell me, I’ll be there to listen,” he whispered and brought him closer. It was only Remus who had undressed, down to his briefs, and he started tugging at Sirius’ shirt to get him to do so as well. Sirius had never minded nudity before, but this felt very different from streaking through the great hall or skinny dipping with the giant squid. He stripped, throwing off his shirt and then trousers, leaving himself as bare as Remus. 

They were standing nose to nose, holding each other’s hips loosely, their clothed erections touching at the tips. Remus made the first move, taking hold on Sirius’ boxer briefs and slowly pulling them down. His erection bounced free as the fabric fell to the floor. A quivering gasp escaped his lips as Remus trailed a slow, gentle finger along his cock, stopping at the tip to circle the head, slow enough for him to physically hurt from anticipation. A string of precome momentarily stuck to his finger as he removed it. 

“Let’s step into the shower,” Remus whispered. 

Sirius was led to the other side of the room, where Remus turned the water on. While they waited for it to heat up, Remus began to kiss Sirius’ neck and jaw, and Sirius responded in kind, running one hand up and down along Remus lower back while the other had a firm grasp of the nape of Remus’ neck while kissing him below the ear; something he’d learned his boyfriend quite enjoyed. 

Remus pushed down his own briefs and kicked them off his feet as he led Sirius into the shower. The sight of Remus’ cock, erect and directly in front of him, stunned him. He hadn’t been prepared for the sight at all, and thus legs failed to move and they stumbled over each other. Remus just managed to keep them both from falling and laughed while Sirius went red with embarrassment, glad for the darkness. 

The water washing over them brought Sirius back to reality. He was about to lose his virginity. It was filling him with more dread than he thought possible. If only he could tell Remus the truth, but he’d avoided it for too long and wasn’t sure how to bring it up anymore. He wanted to tell him he had no idea what he was doing, that Remus ought to take the lead and teach him.

In a manner that was only seductive because Sirius was heads over heels in love, Remus squeezed a bottle of body wash, pouring a dollop onto a green flannel. He motioned with his hands for Sirius to turn around, and began to wash his back while still nuzzling his neck. He moaned at the sensation of his boyfriend’s hands rubbing him clean, taking particular care around his buttocks. His hand came up front, but avoided his cock, instead washing carefully around it. “You’re a fucking tease,” Sirius said through gritted teeth, his cock aching for attention.

“And you’re impatient,” he chuckled, breathing on his ear. “You need to wash me too.” He reached out of the shower for another flannel and handed it to Sirius. Having never used the strange kind of soap Remus had, Sirius made sure to copy him exactly with the amount, before he began to rub it against Remus’ chest. Remus chuckled again. “By that face you’re making one would think you were doing potions homework.”

“Might as well be,” he joked. “I get more action from Slughorn than you.”

Remus pulled him close, positioning him so that their cocks were parallel to one another, touching. Sirius’ breath hitched. That alone was almost too much. He was already close to coming. Then Remus decided not to tease anymore, and brought a soapy hand down between them as he caught Sirius in a kiss. He tried to think of Slughorn and McGonagall disco dancing together in order to keep it going longer, not wanting to come in less than a minute, but the pleasure made his mind blank. The orgasm came suddenly, splattering over Remus thigh. Fortunately for his pride, it was only ten or so seconds later that Remus came too. 

“Better?” Remus whispered. 

“Yeah,” he answered, out of breath. Remus took the showerhead and rinsed them both off before turning off the water. It was immediately cold, but Remus wrapped them up in large, soft towels and they huddled close. 

“Let’s go to my bedroom,” he said, and Sirius nodded. This was it. 

Remus kept the light dim as they walked through the narrow hallways into Remus’ small bedroom. It was lovely, full of books and homework, and some stuffed animals and toys on top of a shelf. Although clearly neglected for the last few years, they all looked well loved, with eyes and limbs stitched back on, and a few bits missing. He also had a muggle record player and records, which Sirius had seen Lily use a few times. The only time he’d been interested in something Lily had. Remus seemed to notice. 

“Want me to play a record?”

“What do you have?”

He rummaged through a box of records, but frowned as he didn’t find what he was looking for. “Wait here. I’ll be right back,” he said and gave him a chaste kiss as he ran out the room, only wearing a towel around his waist. 

It gave him more time to think. More time to panic. He sat on the bed, hugging the soft duvet to keep the cold out. When it didn’t do much, he cast a small heating charm, as he didn’t think goosebumps and shriveled dicks were all that attractive. Barging through the door, record held out in front of him, Remus returned. Without pause, he put it on, not looking at Sirius until the box emitted soft blues music. “Etta James,” Remus explained. 

“I like it,” he said. 

Remus sat next to him on the bed, and more awkwardly than they had all evening, began to kiss him. After some misplaced hands and pulled hair, Sirius realized it was him and not Remus that was making it awkward. His body was rigid and his mind too preoccupied panicking to put his all into the snogging. Fortunately, Remus decided did something about it and laid them down on the bed, where they soon got tangled up in the many blankets. He was feeling somewhat more calm tightly wrapped up in Remus’ embrace, but his heart was still beating uncontrollably. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Remus suddenly asked.

“Of course,” he lied. He would have loved to have sex, had he only been honest from the start, because he was going to be terrible. He just knew it. 

“You just seem nervous,” Remus said. 

“Um, thing is, I don’t have that much experience doing this… with men that is.” 

Remus blinked. “Oh,” he uttered suddenly. “I thought you were with that boy from Slytherin?”

“Yes, but we didn’t go all the way.”

“I’m your first with another man?” Sirius nodded. This could work. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Bit embarrassed,” he said and smiled sheepishly. “I told you, I’ve got this overly exaggerated reputation. It’s out of control.”

After confessing so much, not really lying just omitting truth, he thought it would be better but was surprised when Remus looked disappointed. Was that a deal breaker? Was Remus only interested in him because he was good in bed? Panic rose in his chest again. “You keep saying that I can tell you anything. It goes both ways,” Remus said sadly. 

His heart calmed, and Sirius pulled him down by the head for a deep kiss. “I know. Thank you.” The kiss went on. Hands were kept to above chest area, which made him feel more comfortable; the pressure to have sex suddenly gone. He wasn’t sure what had brought it on, maybe the orgasm or the kiss, or opening up somewhat at last, but there was an unmistakable “i love you” in this throat, wanting to get out. He’d only ever said it to James before, when drunk, and while he’d thought it before with Remus, he thought it was too soon to say anything. They had only been dating a few months. Yet the words were on his lips, threatening to escape. “Remus…” he whispered, and Remus watched him expectantly. “I-”

“Remus!” The door slammed open, and the two naked boys desperately grasped for the blankets to cover themselves as they sat upright, startled. A tall, broad man with a bushy beard the exact same shade of Remus’ hair stood in the doorway, looking about as surprised as Sirius and Remus were. “Someone did magic here,” the man suddenly said, confused and dumfounded. 

“I told you not to use magic!” Remus hissed at Sirius. 

“I was cold!” Sirius whined. 

Remus rolled his eyes and turned back to the man. “He’s from school. He’s seventeen so he’s allowed to do magic,” Remus said, and the man nodded. 

“Get dressed and come downstairs!” the man said, suddenly getting over his shock and turning stern. He shut the door behind him and Remus groaned. 

“I’m sorry!” Sirius said. “I didn’t think he’d come. Are you in a lot of trouble?”

“No,” Remus said and gave him a comforting kiss. “He’ll just pretend to be a strict parent for a few minutes and then cave in. Just hope mum isn’t here.”

“She’s stricter?”

“She’ll make you breakfast in the morning and start planning our wedding.” Sirius laughed as Remus jumped out of bed and threw some clothes on. When he left, Sirius wanted to get dressed as well, but suddenly realized all his clothes were still on the bathroom floor and his overnight bag downstairs. With the towel wrapped around his waist and his arm around his chest, he crossed the hall to the bath. 

“I’m just concerned for you!” Remus’ father said loudly. 

“I’m only a few months from being of age!” Remus said back. 

“I know that, but after everything that’s happened…” Remus’ father trailed off with a loud sigh. “Does he know?” he asked much more quietly. Sirius had to go all the way to the top of the stairs to listen in properly. 

“Know what?”

“About everything?”

“No. He doesn’t.”

“Good. Keep it that way.” That surprised him. Why was it good that he didn’t know everything? He’d have thought Remus’ father would have wanted him to accept everything about his son. Though whether it was the seemingly monthly disappearances or the ordeal with that professor he wasn’t supposed to know about, he wasn’t sure. 

“You can go back, you know,” Remus said. 

“So that the two of you can have your privacy?” his father said mockingly. 

“Yes!”

“No. I’m staying! I’m not letting you two…

“I’m not a virgin!”

Remus’ father ignored this. “I’m picking up your mother.”

“Don’t! She’ll make such a fuss!”

“Good!” Remus called out after his father as Sirius heard the floo roar and figured the elder Lupin went through. Much sooner than expected, Remus was suddenly at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at him. 

“Figured you’d just stand there naked and listen?” Remus asked, smirking. He was carrying Sirius’ bag. 

“Sorry.”

Remus shrugged then made a few, practiced bounds up the stairs and gave him a kiss. “The mood’s gone, isn’t it?” he asked and Sirius nodded. “We can still cuddle if you want.”

“I just need some pants before your mum wants to meet me,” he said and took his bag from him. “Didn’t really want the first time to meet your parents to be like this.”

“Did you want to meet my parents in the first place?”

“Of course I did. We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together traveling the world for adventures. Remember?” He said it as a joke, but he wanted it and he tried to read Remus, wondering if he wanted it too.

He chuckled softly. “I suppose.” 

They went to bed after that. Even if he didn’t get to lose his virginity, he quite enjoyed the cuddling and kissing. Remus’ parents never did come back, which Remus said was most likely his mother’s doing. They were still too nervous about doing anything, just in case, but to his own surprise, Sirius was happy about this. 

***

When Sirius woke up, it was early in the morning, the sun having barely begun to rise. He slipped out from the sleeping Remus’ embrace, his pressing bladder winning out to his desire to remain in his boyfriend’s arms. Remus looked adorable sleeping, with his mouth half open and a little drool pooling on the pillow. He wanted to snog him senseless, but he had to relieve himself first. 

Upon exiting the bathroom, he was startled to find a small woman standing there, looking startled as well to see him, but then she smiled. “You must be Sirius,” she said and grabbed him by the arm. “Are you hungry? I was just about to go down and make some fry-up.” She didn’t wait for his response and pulled him with her. 

Down in the kitchen, Remus’ father was already sat with his newspaper, and frowned when he saw them. Even more so when Sirius was placed in the chair opposite him at the kitchen table. “Remus has written quite a bit about you,” she said as she began to take food out of the refrigerator. 

“I didn’t realize,” Sirius said.

“Me neither,” Remus’ father growled. 

“Lyall here’s very overprotective of Remus. Always has been. And it’s not like I don’t understand, but Remus is a very mature young man, and he can make his own decisions. I felt real bad when Lyall went and ruined your special night.”

“You knew?” both Lyall and Sirius asked at once, though Lyall far louder. 

“Of course I knew! We planned it together.” Sirius thought back to the night before, and realized this explained a few things. Especially the massive dinner and pudding that would have been far too much for Remus alone. 

“Are you alright to cook, Mrs. Lupin?” Sirius asked as the small woman bounced from one corner of the kitchen to the other, climbing up on the counter to retrieve what she needed. 

“Call me Hope! And of course I am.”

“It’s just that Remus told me you were ill.”

“Oh, it comes and goes, don’t mind me,” she said, and made a distinctly fake cough. “I feel perfectly alright at the moment.”

“If you need any help, let me know.”

She made a high pitched squeal. “Such a dear you are!” she said and pinched his cheek. “I understand why Remus is head over heels for you.”

“Is he really?” Sirius asked, jumping to the edge of his seat. “It’s just that, sometimes I’m not really sure he feels as much for me as I do for him.”

She made a face like she could cry at his pitifulness and ran a comforting, motherly hand through his hair. “Remus is just a bit guarded. He’s been through a lot, you know,” she explained gently. 

“I don’t really. I only know the rumors. He’s never told me anything.”

Her expression softened even more. “He will. Just give him some time.”

“And you better not push him or hurt him!” Lyall exclaimed. 

“Lyall!” Hope chastised. 

“He’s been through more than enough for a boy his age. He doesn’t need getting his heart broken by this hooligan on top of it all.”

“I won’t break his heart. I love him!” 

There was a pointed cough coming from the doorway, and they all turned to see Remus standing there. “Sirius, want to come outside for a moment?” he asked, and Sirius nodded shyly and obediently followed his boyfriend. 

They went into the garden and sat on an old swing set. The rusty hooks creaked at their weight as they both rocked slowly back and forth in silence. It was wet and mild for December, but Remus had told him the night before that was quite normal there. It must have rained during the night. Sirius hadn’t noticed. Both of their pajama bottoms had dirtied from walking through the grass. “I really like your mother,” Sirius started, and Remus nodded in agreement. “I’m sorry she’s ill.”

“She’s not ill.”

“I noticed.”

Remus chuckled in an unamused fashion and bit his lip. “I don’t trust you enough to tell you why I leave yet. I’m sorry. Maybe someday I will, and everything will make sense. But I just can’t right now, so don’t ask. Please.”

“Does it have to do with what happened with that professor?”

“No. It’s unrelated.”

“Then can I ask about that? Because I hate just knowing the rumors and not what actually happened.” Remus frowned, looking skeptical. “It can be like an exercise! Trust me with this thing and see how it goes before you trust me with the next, bigger thing.”

Remus rolled his eyes and put on an annoyed expression, but he could see his hands were shaking and his knuckles white from the tight grip he had on the swing’s chains. “Alright, if you insist,” he said calmly, his grip tightening. “I never liked Professor Bovem. He kept calling me out and giving me detentions with him, when I’d done nothing to warrant it.” His voice abruptly lost its calm, and Sirius scooted closer to pry his hand off the chains to hold it, making Remus pause to look at him with an expression Sirius couldn’t place. His eyes were wide with fear and pleading, but his jaw hard set and teeth clenched shut. 

“What did he do to you?” Sirius asked, suddenly realizing that everything he’d heard was wrong and he had the strongest urge to break into Azkaban to give that piece of shit professor a good beating, if not have him be at the receiving end of a few unforgivable curses. 

“During one of my detentions, he offered me some chocolate. When I didn’t want to eat it, he forced me to. It had amortentia in it.”

“That fucking asshole!” Sirius shouted, standing up.

“I know,” Remus said, looking a little calmer as he smiled softly at his outburst. “He made me take it for over six months. My grades started slipping and I didn’t come home for Christmas or Easter, so my parents got worried and contacted my teachers. Lily as well kept trying to say something was wrong. Finally Dumbledore realized what was happening and fired him on the spot, then sent some aurors on him. I was still affected by the amortentia and thought I loved him, so it was quite traumatic to see.” He inhaled deeply and let Sirius embrace him. “Being under the influence of amortentia… it’s quite awful. All you can think about is that person, but there is constantly something lucid in you trying to get out, without being able to.” He exhaled slowly. “That’s all there is to it.”

“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry something like that happened to you. I wish I could do something to make you feel better.”

“It’s alright, Sirius. I’m alright.” He was too calm and his voice too comforting, making Sirius feel like a child. It should have been the other way around but Sirius couldn’t contain his rage and sadness. 

“Did he make you…?” Sirius couldn’t even bring himself to say the word. 

“Have sex with me? Yes.”

“I want to kill him!”

“I don’t need you to kill. I’d really rather you kept yourself out of Azkaban actually.” Sirius felt drained and, without letting go, fell to his knees in the grass and rested his head on Remus while Remus ran his long gentle fingers through his hair. Remus’ heart was beating fast. He could feel it vibrating how whole body. “Um… You’re not disgusted with me?”

Sirius’ head snapped up. “Why would I be?” he asked, stunned. 

“For allowing it to happen.”

“You were bloody fourteen! How the hell were you supposed to have done anything?” Sirius exclaimed, looking up at his boyfriend while holding on tighter.

“I don’t know. I just sometimes get the feeling I should have.”

“Everyone else should have. Flitwick and Dumbledore should have. For you, it just shouldn’t have happened in the first place.” He reached out to cup his chin in his hand, and Remus leaned into the touch. “You’re not disgusting. You’re beautiful and perfect. Nothing that anyone does to you will change that.”

It started with a light quiver of his lips despite an otherwise stony expression, then Remus burst into tears in front of him. Even crying he was beautiful and perfect, and when he slid off the swing into his arms, they both held onto each other tightly. They had to be quite the odd sight, two grown boys sitting on the grass crying and kissing, because Sirius couldn’t hold back tears either. The thought of what Remus had gone through causing him physical pain. 

They might have sat there for hours hadn’t Lyall coughed loudly, much like Remus had upon entering the kitchen, and they pushed each other apart in surprise. “Breakfast is ready. Has been for some time,” he said gruffly and re-entered the house. 

“Let’s go. I’m starving,” Remus said and stood. “Look at us, out here in our pajamas like crazy people.” He laughed as he wiped his cheek of tears. 

Sirius pulled at his sleeve and did the same before accepting Remus’ hand to pull him up off the ground. “You don’t think your dad hates me, do you?”

“He does, but don’t take it personally. A girl gave me a valentine’s card once in daycare. He hated her as well.” He rested his head on Remus’ shoulder as he let out a bark of laughter, and it felt good after their moment of hurt. “And Sirius,” Remus suddenly said, just as they were about to enter the house. “I think I love you too.”

Sirius face felt as if it caught fire, and by Remus’ amused expression, it must have been very visible. They said nothing else, and went inside to eat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question of the week: What magical creature would you most like to own?


	6. Who Needs the Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on @spklvrswolfstartrashblog if you want to nag at me for being late with these chapters!

Christmas and New Year’s came and went, and soon Sirius and Remus were reunited on the Hogwarts express, and were excited about the next term. They had thought that surely, they would be able to find a moment alone to be together at school. However, all their professors seemed to think they hadn’t had enough to do before Christmas, and swamped them with enough homework to literally bury them. James checked and confirmed. 

Thus, rather than snogging somewhere like they had planned, the two of them were studying in the library with James. At least they were planning their belated Valentine’s date in Hogsmeade between assignments; until Lily approached. Lily had become friendly with them as of late. However, the way she was stomping over to them with a face scrunched into a tight frown was more reminiscent of the days when she used to hate them. 

“Black,” she said, her voice seething with hatred. 

“What did I do?” he asked, doing his best not to whimper with fear even though he wanted to. 

“I think you know,” she said angrily, then grabbed Remus by the shoulder and hoisted him away. Confused, James and Sirius stretched to watch them as they went behind some shelves and talked in loud whispers. 

“What did you do?” James asked. 

“I can’t think of anything!” Sirius said, holding up his hands in defense. “I mean, I may have fucked up Snivellus’ potion in class last week because he said some shit about Remus, but Lily has barely spoken to him lately.”

“I apologized for you after that, but she said he deserved it. He hexed some first year muggle born the other day and she’s been right pissed at him ever since.”

“Then what did I do?”

“You’re about to find out,” James said, as Lily and Remus returned. Remus looked crestfallen, but put on a smile as he sat and gave Sirius a kiss on the cheek. “What did Sirius do?” James asked and Lily, sitting down next to James, breathed angrily. 

“He did nothing,” Remus said. “Lily was mistaken.” It certainly didn’t feel like he’d done nothing, but other than bothering Snape, he really couldn’t think of anything he’d done. He’d spent nearly every waking moment since coming back from break with his nose stuck in a book or his tongue down Remus’ throat, and hadn’t had time for anything else. 

“I suppose,” Lily said. “How is Tracy by the way?” she asked Sirius, making him even more confused. 

“Who the hell is Tracy?” Sirius asked, having never met anyone by that name.

“Like you don’t know.”

“He doesn’t know!” Remus said sternly, earning them a glare from Pince, and James smiled apologetically to her on Remus’ behalf. 

“I really don’t,” Sirius repeated, now having an inkling of what Lily might have been upset about. The stupid Hogwarts rumor mill. 

“Do you mean Cara’s friend, Tracy?” James asked and Lily nodded vigorously. “She’s the one that slapped you first day back during that party because you grabbed her arse.”

“What?” he asked, horrified. “I’ve never grabbed anyone’s arse against their will! Do people really think that’s what happened that night?”

“That’s what she told Cara. What did happen?”

“She was being a cunt. About Remus no less. And when she came onto me I told her I wasn’t interested… in not the most polite manner, and she slapped me. That’s the last time I saw her and I haven’t as much as thought about her since. Much less done whatever it is you’re insinuating I’ve done with her.”

Lily did not respond, instead looking to Remus. “I believe you,” Remus said. Sirius wished it had been said with more conviction, but he realized he only had himself to blame. He could have put all those rumors to end, but he hadn’t, and now he had to live with the consequences. 

“I would never do anything like that to you,” Sirius said. “You can’t believe that after everything we shared over Christmas break,” he whispered the latter.

He nodded quietly. “I believe you,” he repeated. “We have to start our Herbology paper,” he said abruptly and reached into his rucksack for the book and splayed it open in front of them. The topic felt closed, even though Sirius had more to say. He really did have to finish up that Herbology paper though, and allowed Remus to distract him. 

A few hours later, Sirius gave Remus a good, long snog before going back to the Gryffindor dormitories, hoping he could feel his sincerity through his actions. Lily would normally head back together with them, but pointedly went ahead this time, leaving James and Sirius to meander through the halls by themselves. “Sirius, did you sleep with that girl?” James suddenly asked.

“Of course not!”

“I won’t tell him if you did.”

“And I didn’t! For fuck’s sake, James. Do you really think I’d cheat on Remus?”

He shrugged. “What am I supposed to think? You spent half of fifth year in some broom closet with a bird, and now you’re suddenly in a committed relationship?”

“Please. I wasn’t with ninety percent of the people the rumors would have you believe.”

James snorted derisively. “You were off on your own a lot then.”

“I was off on my own! Everything at home was shit, and I needed time away from people and telling them I was off snogging someone kept everyone, you in particular, from coming after me.” He froze. He hadn’t meant to blurt that out. 

“Oh…” James looked like suddenly everything he knew was wrong, yet made more sense this way. “I’m sorry for not noticing.”

Sirius waved him off, relieved despite himself. James would never mock him; not for something like that. “I was hiding. You weren’t meant to notice.” Feeling braver, he continued his confessions. “And while I would never cheat on Remus, if I did, it wouldn’t be with a girl. I’m strictly gay I’ve come to realize.”

“Are you really?”

He nodded, and couldn’t help the little smile that came when it seemed James was perfectly alright with this, just mildly surprised. “What I did do with girls last year, it was to prove to myself that I wasn’t. Now that I’ve come to terms with it, I can be the romantic sap I’ve always been deep down in my heart and dream about spending the rest of my life with Remus.”

James snorted through his nose, trying not to laugh too loudly. “Alright, mate,” he said and clapped him on the back. “I’m glad you told me,” he said, completely serious. “It must have been difficult to hold that in for so long.”

“I suppose so.”

James brought him into a tight side hug and gave his cheek a loud, wet kiss. “You seem happy though. After everything, I’m glad.”

“Me too. I’m only worried about this Tracy person. What is she doing spreading that rumor now? It’s been quiet this year.”

“I dunno. I could ask Cara.”

“Would you? It won’t be awkward?”

“It will be awkward, but anything for you, my love.”

“My hero!” Sirius said loudly, and kissed James’ cheek back. 

***

Remus was already sat out on the observation deck when Sirius arrived at the astronomy tower. He’d been pale and tired all day, and Sirius wasn’t sure he’d make it to class, but of course he was there. The ever diligent student that he was. Sirius plopped down on the pillow next to him, snuggled under the blanket Remus was using rather than find his own, and handed him some chocolate. “Dark chocolate with candied raspberries,” he said. 

“Thank you.” He looked even paler in the light of the near full moon, but still incredibly beautiful. He took a large bite out of the chocolate and munched on it slowly. 

“You don’t like chocolate most of the time.”

Remus quirked his brow, then shrugged his shoulders. “I do. It’s just… it reminds me of being ill. I don’t like eating it when I’m not.”

“It doesn’t remind you of that professor?”

“No. He took a lot from me, but not my chocolate.”

He put on a very strained smile, and Sirius kissed it to make it better. “Is tonight a full moon?” he asked quietly, though he knew it wasn’t, and Remus frowned. 

“Tomorrow.”

“You’ll be okay for our Hogsmeade date?”

There was a long pause where Remus stared at him, making him quiver with fear. Had he gone too far? “Yes,” Remus said shortly. 

Against his better judgement, he pushed further. “Funny how all these days that you miss happen to fall on the full moon.” 

“Are you keeping count?” 

Sirius reached out for Remus’ hand, but he pulled it away. Sirius sighed. In times like these, it was best to sound pathetic. “I have a journal. It’s more of diary really, but I have too much masculine pride to call it a diary. I write about you a lot. Poems about how pretty your eyes are have been attempted at. Far too many of them in fact. It’s all very embarrassing.” For a brief second, Remus smiled. “Point is, I couldn’t help but notice a pattern.”

“And what’s your conclusion?”

“That I love you regardless of the phases of the moon.”

Remus had been stiff and holding his breath, but instantly relaxed at those words and cuddled up close to him. “You never said it again after Christmas.”

“It felt too soon. Now feels good.”

“I love you too.” Remus looked behind, making sure neither their professor nor the other students were close enough to hear them. “It’s my birthday in less than two months. It’s not for a while, but we could afford to slack off a little bit then and catch up during Easter.” He bit his lip and watched Sirius in a contemplative manner, as if about to reveal something major. “I know about a place we could have some privacy.”

“Where is that?”

“The Shrieking Shack. It’s where I go… on the full moon.” That was fairly major. “There’s a tunnel to it under the Whomping Willow.”

Sirius winced at the mention of that damned tree. He and James had nearly been killed by it in third year when they challenged some Slytherins to a broomstick race around the castle, and one of the dirty buggers had shot a curse at them that sent them flying into the willow. “That doesn’t sound very safe.”

“There’s a root that you rub and it calms the tree.”

“Do you really want us… to have some privacy there?” He looked the way of the Shrieking Shack, though it was far too dark to see it. Haunted or not, it didn’t exactly look welcoming, nor could he imagine it looking too nice after having a werewolf run rampant through it. 

“I have spent so much time there, all of it bad. It would be nice to have some good memories as well for when I remember it in the future.” Remus looked too sad, and he had to cheer him up somehow.

“What would you like to do when we have some privacy?” he asked flirtatiously. 

“You know very well what,” he said, smirking. No longer sad. 

“I’m very dumb, as this star chart will show you. You need to be specific.”

He came closer, and looked Sirius directly in the eyes, making him gulp. “I want you to read me your poetry.”

“Fuck off!”

“Fine,” he said laughing, and leaned in close again, his breath hot on Sirius’ ear. “I want your cock in my mouth,” he whispered, his breath sending shivers from his ear to his groin. “And while I suck your cock, I’d stick a finger up your arse. Two once you’d relaxed a bit. And then I’d rub your prostate so that you’d come the hardest you ever have. Or have you touched yourself there before?” Remus’ dirty talk was crude, but painfully effective. 

“Up my arse?” He nodded. “No.”

“Will you give me the honor of being the first, then?”

“Anything,” he said quickly, too out of breath to properly speak. 

“I think that’s enough dirty talk. We’ve got NEWTs to prep for.” He put a book and the chart on top of the blanket they shared, and for a second Sirius genuinely believed they’d do their work and started thinking of Dumbledore in a thong, when a sneaky hand brushed against the bulge in his trousers. “Is this alright?” he asked. 

“Yes,” Sirius gulped. 

When Remus raised his knees, it was impossible to see the movements of what happened underneath the blankets on Sirius’ side. As his trousers were being unzipped and a cold hand stroked his length gently, making him hiss, some of their classmates walked by. The two Ravenclaws paid them no mind as they chatted about something actually class related. Sirius tried not to look their way lest he catch their attention, but they were awfully close for a moment, before they found themselves a corner on the other side of the deck.

“Are we actually doing this?” Sirius whispered and moved the chart to cover them up even more, hoping he did so casually. 

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No!” 

Remus laughed sweetly and continued to stroke firmly up and down. He snaked his own hand around Remus’ raised tigh, and was disappointed to not find a bulge there as well. “Don’t mind me,” Remus said apologetically. “I’m just not up for that tonight. Give me a few days and I will be.” They scooted even closer together, attempting to hide as well as possible. Though everyone was too caught up in their own thing, and it was pitch black outside but for the moon. 

“You don’t need to-” Sirius paused to hold back a moan as a particularly strong shot of pleasure surged through him. 

“I want to. Looking at your beautiful face makes me feel better.” Many people had called him beautiful before, but it meant so much more coming from Remus. Just the quick kiss he was given on the corner of his lip was enough to tilt him over the edge, and he bit his lips to keep from making any sounds. “Probably not something we should do too often,” he said, looking a bit embarrassed as he took in his surroundings. 

“I’d die,” Sirius groaned and rested his head on Remus’ shoulder, muttering a vanishing spell underneath his cloak. They were silent for a while, simply working on their given tasks, but he could tell neither of them really had their mind on their work. “You do really believe me, right?” Sirius asked.

Remus didn’t need to be told about what. “Yes.”

“I’ve realized I’m gay. I’m not attracted to women at all. My fifth year escapades was just me being in denial, and I only love you.” Their professor walked up to them, effectively shutting them both up for the few seconds it took her to look over their work, before she continued on to the rest. 

Remus exhaled loudly. “I believe you,” he said, this time sounding convinced, lifting a weight from his heart. “It’s not really that, you know. It’s that… you never shared with me.”

“What is there to share?”

“That you were gay and acting out in fifth year because you were upset about it, for instance. That was a surprise to me.” Sirius hung his head, realizing it wasn’t only James he’d neglected to tell these things to. “And I know nothing about your family and why you live with the Potters. Or I only know what everybody else are saying, and didn’t you hate that about me?”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t want you to know, it’s just difficult to talk about, and everyone already knows about it.” Remus nodded, eyes full of concern and understanding. The professor had started a discussion with two of the other students, meaning she would be preoccupied for a long while. “Let me tell you everything, okay?”

Remus smiled sweetly, and lazily drew their chart while Sirius poured his heart out about his family, his brother who was afraid he’d lost, and for the first time it came easy. 

***

After everything that had happened, all the past rumors that had spread about him, and with his mind occupied with NEWTs and his upcoming date with Remus in Hogsmeade, Sirius quickly forgot all about Tracy. Or he did, until he one morning on his way to Potions class had his way blocked by the small yet imposing girl. “Hello, Sirius,” she said. 

“Oh, you,” he said, groaning. James stopped as well, wondering what was going on, but was quickly chased away by her death glare. James Potter was clearly not someone one could count on in a pinch. “What do you want?”

“I just think you’ve been acting a bit cold towards me,” she said lightly. 

Sirius stared at her, astonished. Was this actually happening? “Wonder why. Perhaps because I don’t know you.”

She made a crying face too pretty to be genuine, her lips quivering and her eyes watering. “How could you say that after the night we shared together?”

“What are you bloody on about?” He grabbed her hard by the shoulders, part of him wanting to throw her down the stairs in his anger, but with a deep breath he calmed himself and simply shoved her to the side. She didn’t seem bothered by the rough treatment. “Listen. I’m in a relationship right now and I really love him!” There came a snort from besides them, and they both turned to see Snape standing there, sneering at them. He shrugged at their glares and continued down towards the dungeons. “I don’t want him to feel hurt because of stupid rumors that aren’t true!”

She put her hand on his chest, and he pulled away, disgusted by her touch. She frowned momentarily before bursting out into tearless sobbing. “Why would you do this to me?” she cried and slapped his face again. “You can’t just go breaking girls’ hearts that way!” With that, she stormed off. Absolutely dumbfounded, Sirius was stood there watching her leave, and to his horror, several people had witnessed the scene from the top of the stairs, and hurried along when they saw him looking. When he finally snapped out of it and started for his class, he was startled by James and Lily standing just in front of him with quirked brows. 

“Lily, listen-” he started, but she raised her hand to silence him. 

“Don’t worry. I believe you now. That’s some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen,” she said, smiling softly at him.

“Also, I didn’t get a chance to tell you yet, but last night I met with Cara,” James said, and Sirius saw Lily tense just a little. “She told me Tracy’s been sort of obsessing over you ever since that party. The reasons she slapped you kept getting more and more farfetched and she was always talking about what a knob head you were.”

“And what changed?”

“She saw you with Remus a few too many times and pieced together you were actually dating. Now she’s obsessed to the point where Cara can barely stand to be around her.”

“Oh fuck me!” Sirius groaned. When everything was finally going well for him, he got a deranged stalker. Perfect. 

“Don’t worry,” Lily said and patted his shoulder. “We’ll back you up if Remus hears anything else. She’s lost it- Fuck, we’re late for Potions!” She turned on her heel and hurried down the stairs, James and Sirius right behind her. 

Slughorn was handing out ingredients by the time they entered, and he made displeased grunt as he watched them sit, Sirius and James at their usual table and Lily next to Snape, though she seemed hesitant to do so. “I would have expected as much from Black and Potter, but not from you, Evans,” Slughorn said. 

“It was my fault, Professor,” Lily said quickly. “Some second years were dueling in the corridor and as a prefect, I had to stop it. Black and Potter helped me.”

“Oh, well, I see. I shall not take any points then. As I explained to those who came on time, we are making amortentia today. You will find the instructions on page 349.” Just the word made Sirius furious. He couldn’t believe they would teach students to make such a dangerous potion. 

However, he followed the instructions and, what with him being rather good at potions, soon had a finished brew with a mother of pearl sheen and smoke coming up in spirals. “What do you smell?” James asked. 

“Rain,” he said first, being the most obvious scent to him. 

“What does rain even smell like?”

“Like… wet grass and stone. And I smell chocolate. And Remus’ soap. What about you?”

James put his face over the cauldron and sniffed loudly. “I smell broomstick polish.”

“Of course you do.” 

“And… I dunno what this is. Parchment maybe? And...” James suddenly looked exasperated and fell back down into his chair, sighing loudly. “Flowers.”

“Lilies in particular?” He nodded morosely. “If it helps, I think you might actually have a chance this time around.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes. Just keep acting like yourself and not that toerag you were around her before.” James eyes lit up and he grinned.

Slughorn clapped his hands to gain their attention, and smiled wide under his mustache. “Excellent work everyone. As it is important these potions not fall into the wrong hands, I must ask you to turn in only a single vial and then vanish the rest of your potion.”

They poured a small amount into the vial provided, and placed themselves in the line formed as Slughorn inspected their potions. “You and Lupin then,” Snape said, his voice nasal and annoying. “I suppose it’s fitting. The disowned Black and the beast.”

Sirius drew his wand to point it at Snape, but his draw wasn’t fast enough. Lily had hers pointed at Snape in less than a second, her eyes burning with anger. “Don’t you dare, Sev,” she spoke through gritted teeth. 

The other students huddled towards the front to keep their distance, and James moved in front of them to hide them from Slughorn. As they spoke in hushed voices, and Slughorn was oblivious as few, it seemed to be enough. 

“I take it Black doesn’t know what Lupin gets up to on the full moon then?” Snape said to Lily, smirking at her. 

“I know,” Sirius said. Both Lily and Snape snapped their heads towards him in surprise at this, while James looked at them all with confusion. Lily lowered her wand. 

“And you’re alright fucking a half-breed?” Snape asked haughtily. 

“It’s brilliant,” Sirius said, grinning. “Not that you’d ever know. Not even a centaur would touch your greasy body with a ten foot pole, much less fuck you.”

Snape raised his wand quickly, as did Lily. But her stunning spell wasn’t quick enough to stop Snape from casting whatever spell he cast. James with his quidditch reflexes pushed Sirius out of the way and got caught in it. He fell to the ground immediately, and blood spurted from his chest. “James!” he shouted, catching his friend just before he hit the ground. 

“What is going on?” Slughorn voice boomed through the room. “Call down madam Pomfrey immediately!” he said, and two Ravenclaws ran off to get her. In the chaos, it was easy for Snape to hide his vial of amortentia unnoticed. 

***

James was going to be fine, Pomfrey told them, but they had to wait outside. Sirius and Lily were both sat next to the doors to the hospital wing, staring at the wall opposite while waiting. Even when Remus came up in front of him, he couldn’t bring himself to smile. “I brought you both some lunch,” he said quietly, and handed them some wrapped up muffins. Lily only nibbled at hers, while Sirius only stared at his. 

“Thank you, love.”

“I spoke with McGonagall and she asked me to tell you what happened with Snape. He’s got detention until the year is over and had his Hogsmeade rights revoked permanently, but he’s not expelled. Claims he didn’t realize the spell would do as much damage as it did.”

“Like hell he didn’t,” Sirius growled. 

“McGonagall didn’t look convinced either, but it was up to Dumbledore and Slughorn.” Remus sat in between them and put an arm around them both. “How is he?”

“She says he’ll be fine, but it took a long time before they managed to stop the bleeding.” 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner. I didn’t know anything had happened until you didn’t arrive for Transfiguration. Even McGonagall was late. She’s notifying the other professors so that we don’t have to go to anymore classes today.”

“That’s nice of her,” Lily said absentmindedly. 

The hospital wing doors finally opened, and madam Pomfrey stepped outside. She looked exasperated but not surprised to see them there. “You may see him now.” She had barely finished the sentence before the three of them were up and hurried inside. 

James was banged up and bruised, but smiled at them as they huddled around him. “Some curse that was,” James said grinning, though his voice was low. “Not that I couldn’t do worse with a simple punch to his greasy face.”

“Toerag,” Lily said and laughed. “We were really worried about you.” She sat on his bed and took his hand. He looked utterly stunned that she had just done this for a moment, but shook it off and composed himself. 

“I’ve been through worse playing quidditch.”

“Somehow I have trouble believing that,” Lily said, rolling her eyes and clutching James tighter. “I feel partly to blame. I should have just cut off ties with Sev long ago-”

“Don’t,” James said firmly. “That you’re that kind, even to those who doesn’t deserve that kindness, is part of why I like you so much, you know.” He smiled sheepishly, and her ears went a little red. 

“Anyway, I’ve given up on him now. Officially. He keeps hanging out with those pureblood fanatics and whatnot. They can have him.”

Remus wrapped his arms around her and gave her a closed lipped kiss on the cheek. It seemed he understood something Sirius and James didn’t about the situation. “Do you two want a moment alone?” Remus asked Sirius and James quietly.

“Yeah,” James said on Sirius’ behalf, who would have said no had he been able to speak. Remus gave him a quick kiss before leaving with Lily, and when the two of them were alone, Sirius slapped James’ face halfheartedly before crumbling down, sobbing. 

“There was so much blood. I thought he’d fucking killed you for a moment,” he said through his cries and James rubbed his back. “I was so scared.”

“It was just Snivellus. He couldn’t have done shit to me,” he said and grinned. 

“Toerag! Lily is right. You are a toerag!” He wiped his nose on the bed sheets to purposely make James grimace with disgust. Vomit and excrements he could take in stride, but snot never failed to make James gag. 

“We were having a beautiful moment!” James said, something caught in his throat. Possibly vomit. Sirius finally felt calm enough to laugh. James was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question of the week is: How many times have you read the Harry Potter series? I'm on my fourth!


	7. Drowning and Bleeding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is taking longer than expected. It's just the editing that's left and I'm being so slow about it. I'm planning on going through it once it's all done for a final edit anyway, but I'm reluctant to post something I'm not at least somewhat happy with. And it's taking a while for me to be even somewhat happy with these chapters. In the beginning it was flowing really well, but all of a sudden words have become so difficult... I'm sure the writers of you can relate.

Nearly a whole moon cycle had passed since James had been hit with Snape’s unknown spell, and James had only recently been cleared for quidditch by madam Pomfrey. This was why the sound of a thud followed by curses woke up Sirius, when he’d easily ignored it before, and he listened to James leave the room for his early morning quidditch practice. It wasn’t much earlier than Sirius would normally get up, but he’d had the best dream and he hadn’t wanted it to end. He and Remus were having a picnic in Hogsmeade, with a human sized elf waiting on them while they ate tiny cakes shaped like James. In his lucid awake state, he realized it was in fact a rather ridiculous dream. He still reached out through the curtains of his four poster to retrieve his diary, where he wrote it down. 

In the months he’d been writing it, it had nearly filled up. He’d written about all the times they had spent together. Every lunch and library date, every time they had run into each other and every time Sirius had joined Remus on his rounds, of all his dreams with Remus in them. There were lists of all the foods Remus liked and disliked and the songs and bands he listened to. The most embarrassing were the poetry. It was all really bad and riddled with clichés and were in bad form, which he knew because he’d picked up some books on poetry from the library to improve them.

With only ten or so pages left to write on, the time had come to consider whether to get a new one or not. He was leaning towards not, as he often wondered if what he was doing was in fact incredibly creepy and stalker-like. He wasn’t exactly following Remus’ every move, besides that one time in the infirmary; something he still felt guilty about, especially now that the only one keeping secrets was him. The journal had started out as something to keep track of Remus’ likes and dislikes and gift ideas, as he wanted to be the best boyfriend ever, but his memory wasn’t always the best when it came to things like that. When the poetry had started he wasn’t sure. 

Another reason he was leaning towards not was that writing in it had turned into more of a habit than a need for the last month or so. He’d just wanted to record his happiness in one way or another, to prove to himself that it was in fact real, that he had Remus. But he had become such a fixture in his life, a steady rock to cling to in much the same way as James, that it didn’t seem necessary anymore. He shook his head to get out of his mind, and finished writing up the dream.

Despite the early hour, he wasn’t tired anymore, and as Peter Pettigrew was snoring too loudly for him to return to sleep, he rolled out of bed to go down to breakfast. 

Upon entering the great hall, he looked for his boyfriend at the Ravenclaw table, but did not see him, and at the Gryffindor table, there was no James. He ignored that his brother was sat at the Slytherin table close to the worst of the pureblood lot. However, sitting by herself at the Gryffindor table was Lily. It was a strange realization that she was the only person present he felt like talking to. “You’re up early,” he said, starling her. She’d been reading what he had thought was homework, but now realized was a letter. She was clutching the parchment tightly, crumpling it. “Did the post already arrive?”

“No,” she said softly. For a few, tense moments, her eyes shifted between him and the letter, clearly wondering whether she wanted to divulge the contents with him. When she folded it up and put it away, he had thought she’d decided not to, and he began to pour himself a glass of orange juice. “It was from Sev,” she said, her glare fixed on him to gauge his reaction, and he nearly spilt his drink at the suddenness of it. 

“What’s he writing you a letter for?” Sirius asked. 

“I’m not really speaking to him at the moment.”

“Good. What did he write that got you this worked up?” He’d heard what the last letter she got from him was, but he couldn’t exactly tell her that. But from how she was acting, twitchy and glancing around her all nervous, he assumed it was something similar.

She exhaled loudly. “A lot of things, but the gist of it was be my girlfriend or regret it.”

“Fucking git. Want me to do anything?”

It said a lot about the situation that she was actually thinking this over, even if it was only a few seconds. “No. If anything happens I’ll talk to McGonagall. And don’t tell James!” she said loudly, putting her fist to his face to make sure the point really came across. 

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” The idiot would definitely go and do something stupid that would get him expelled, and Sirius couldn’t have that on his conscience when the Potters had taken such good care of him. “But promise you’ll tell us if you feel threatened. Your hexes pack a good punch, but not even you can take on a whole group by yourself.”

Lily looked a little surprised, but nodded at him. “I will…” She trailed off and her eyes locked on something in the direction of the entrance, and Sirius turned to see what. Snape approached the table, stupidly alone. 

“Good morning,” he said. His grave tone suggested otherwise. While his demeanor was as it usually was, his face looked a little more sunken and the circles under his eyes much more prominent than usual. “Black,” he said, giving him a look like Sirius was a particularly sticky piece of gum under his shoe. “I’d like to speak with Lily alone for a moment.” 

“I’m in the middle of breakfast, mate. I’m not leaving.” Snape glanced down at the table and Sirius’ still unused plate, before turning to Lily. 

“Come with me, please,” he said. 

“Whatever you have to say, you can say it here,” Lily said. Where I feel safe left hanging heavily in the air. If Sirius didn’t know better, he’d think Snape was actually hurt by this. Or at least his eye twitched and his frown moved downwards by a quarter of an inch. 

“Did you read my letter?” he asked slowly, in much the same manner one asks about the weather. 

“I did,” Lily said, sounding as if someone had just murdered a puppy in front of her. Sirius was holding his wand under his robes, just waiting for Snape to make a misstep. 

“And what is your reply?”

Lily swallowed heavily, and opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. “Do your worst,” Sirius answered for her. Snape gaze did not waver from Lily, who after a few moments finally brought herself to nod. 

“Very well.” Snape looked up at the professors, as did Sirius. Most were preoccupied with their own breakfast, but McGonagall was eyeing them suspiciously. “I warned you.”

He walked away, and they watched him until he was safely sat at the Slytherin table. “What did that letter say precisely?” Sirius asked.

“That it was only by dating me he could keep me safe from Mulciber and the pure blood lot.” 

Sirius finished off his orange juice as he thought this over. “You shouldn’t be walking around by yourself.” 

“I want to argue, but I think you’re right.” Another set of footsteps approached, and she perked up. Sirius spun around, hoping it was Remus, but it was only her friend Marlene. With unnecessary force, he was yanked close to Lily by his shirt collar. “Remus went to hide out and rest in the hospital wing,” Lily whispered. “I’m sure he’d like some company,” she said, her concerned expression turning into a playful smirk.

“You’ll be okay?”

“Won’t James be here soon? Doubt he’ll say no to walking me to class.”

“If he does, we’ll know the end is near,” Sirius joked, just as Marlene sat down next to him across from Lily, giving them a confused look which Lily brushed off. Sirius picked up a bun for the road and headed towards the hospital wing. While still concerned for Lily’s safety, his mind was quickly filled with Remus, and with those thoughts came another bout of concern. Last night, he’d watched the near full moon through the window and despised it when he’d always loved it before. He’d had an unreasonable desire to punch it and been quite upset when he remembered that he couldn’t. 

Then he stopped. 

He had to see Tracy. The desire to stroke her beautiful hair was overwhelming and he wanted to kiss her plump lips. He grabbed the first Ravenclaw he saw. “Do you know where Tracy is?” he asked them. He didn’t know her last name. How could he not know the last name of the person he loved the most in the world? 

“Um, she’s not that far behind us,” the Ravenclaw said and Sirius pushed them aside to run towards the Ravenclaw tower. He ran so fast his legs hurt, but it was worth it to see her as soon as possible. He wouldn’t survive if he didn’t. Finally, he saw her, her hair caught in the sunlight through the window and she smiled as she saw him.

“Siri, dear!” she said and held out her arms for him. He wrapped himself around her tightly and kissed her harshly, needing to be near her. “I missed you,” she said. 

“I missed you too!”

“Um,” a weak voice came from besides them. He turned to see who was interrupting their moment. There was a group of girls standing with them, and Cara was the one who had spoken. “You weren’t kidding then,” Cara continued carefully. “You really started dating Sirius?”

“Of course. I said so, didn’t I?” Tracy said with her beautifully sharp tone, which Cara totally deserved. What right did she have to question his love for Tracy?

“But Sirius, what about Remus?” Cara asked him quietly. At the mention of Remus something tugged inside him; a well of emotions struggling to reach the surface. “You gave him amortentia!” Cara suddenly gasped. 

The girl next to her laughed incredulously. “Merlin, she did, didn’t she?” she said. “Look at him! He’s all pale.” She reached out to touch him but he pushed her hand away. He didn’t want anyone but Tracy to touch him, ever. “You’re going to get in so much trouble for this. How desperate can you get?” 

Tears formed in Tracy’s eyes, and Sirius felt himself shatter at her sadness. “Shut up!” he shouted at the other girls. They jumped back in fright. “My love is real. She’s everything to me!”

The other three girls gave each other looks, clearly still not believing them. “Tracy… what about poor Remus?” Cara asked, and something tugged in his chest again. Remus was in the infirmary and Sirius had gone there to see him, hadn’t he? 

“What about that slag? Surely they are just fucking,” Tracy said, and he felt a pang of anger, but it vanished as quickly as it had come. 

“Don’t call him that. He’s really nice, and he and Sirius are in love. Not like… this!” Cara huffed. “I’m letting professor Flitwick know about this. You’ve gone too far this time.”

Before Sirius could comprehend what had been said, Tracy grabbed him forcefully by the hand and stormed off towards the opposite direction of which they had been headed. “Report it all you want. I’ve done nothing!” she shouted back at them. 

He followed without question. He’d follow her everywhere. Even down to the dungeons where they were headed. No thoughts of traitorous Slytherins or his brother came to mind, though there was still something tugging inside him, wanting him to be somewhere else. “Let’s go in here,” Tracy said and opened up a small door Sirius had to hunch over to get through. 

The room was dark and Tracy led the way with her wand. They stopped at an old teacher’s desk which she sat on before she wrapped her arms and legs around Sirius. “You would never lie to me, would you?” Tracy asked, and Sirius shook his head vigorously. He couldn’t ever physically do such a thing. “That Remus,” she continued hesitantly. “Is it true he is a werewolf?”

“Yes.”

“Where do they keep him when he transforms?” It seemed like she didn’t want to ask these questions. She was hesitant as he spoke, and was constantly looking to her right, but Sirius couldn’t take his eyes off her. Couldn’t bring himself to stop talking. 

“In the shrieking shack.”

“Really?” she asked, surprised. “But there’s no way to get in there, is it?”

“There is.”

“Where?”

“U-under the Whomping W…” He bit his lip, trying not to talk anymore. He couldn’t be saying this. Then she stroked his cheek and kissed his lips, and even though nothing felt right, he was compelled to continue. “The Whomping Willow. There’s a tunnel underneath it that you reach by touching a knot on the roots.”

“Thank you.” She sighed a breath of relief and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Now that that’s out of the way, you can kiss me if you want to.”

“I’d love to.”

He leaned in to kiss her, wanting nothing more, yet it felt wrong and his stomach was churning, but he couldn’t stop. The hair his hands were running through was too long and the jaws he stroked with his palm were too smooth. They both startled as the door slammed open behind them, and Sirius jumped in front of Tracy to protect her. James was standing there, lighting them up with his wand. “What the hell are you doing?” James shouted. At first, he thought it was directed at him, but as he stomped across the room, he pushed Sirius aside and stood glaring at Tracy. 

“I’m not doing anything,” she said. “He’s in love with me.”

“Bullshit! He has trouble remembering who you are.” She winced. Sirius grabbed James, but his much stronger friend simply put him in a headlock that he couldn’t escape. “You’re only a fifth year, so I’m guessing you didn’t make it yourself. Who gave you amortentia?” James continued, unaffected by the wiggling Sirius. 

“Don’t talk to her like that!” Sirius shouted and tried to pry himself out of James’ grip, but he was too strong and wouldn’t let him reach for his wand. 

“Shut up, Sirius! I’m taking you to Madam Pomfrey. Remus is there, you know. Do you remember Remus? Your boyfriend?”

“He’s not my boyfriend anymore! I only love Tracy!”

James rolled his eyes. “I asked you a question!” he told Tracy, ignoring Sirius. “Who gave you amortentia?”

She shrugged. “Some Slytherin. Don’t know his name.”

James rolled his eyes. “I do. Sirius, let’s go.”

“No! I’m staying here-” 

“Petrificus totalus!” As Sirius fell to the ground, James cast another spell to keep him levitated just above ground, and kicked him across the room. “Stay away from him!” Sirius was confused about who had said it to start, because that threatening voice didn’t sound like James at all. Nor did the feral expression belong on him. Tracy made a whimper, and Sirius tried to fight his body to protect her and comfort her, but was incapable of doing as much as move his finger. 

He was floated unceremoniously out the door, which James shut loudly behind him, before throwing the invisibility cloak over Sirius’ body. “It looks weird with you floating around like that,” he said and continued to kick him towards the stairs. “How did she even slip you amortentia? You’re usually far more guarded than that.”

Sirius couldn’t respond. 

The cloak was taken off right before entering the hospital wing, and James hid it well inside his robes before opening the doors. “Madam Pomfrey?” he asked, and she poked her head out from her office. “I’ve got him here,” he said and undid the spells he’d cast, causing Sirius to fall on the ground with a loud thud.

“Why would you take me away from her?” Sirius cried and fought his way back up on his feet. “I miss her! I need her!” A force pulled him back and within seconds he found himself splayed out on one of the beds, unable to get up. “Please!”

“I’ll whip up a potion to get it out of his system faster. It should wear off by the end of the day,” Madam Pomfrey said, shaking her head. “And that girl will serve a good month of detentions. This is strictly against the rules.” She muttered undistinguishable words as she returned to her office. Sirius tried to fight the bonds again, but to no avail. 

He turned to look at James, and startled to see Remus standing with him. “Tracy slipped him amortentia. We think Snape made it for her,” James explained. Remus nodded, his jaw was clenched as he watched him. 

“Please take me to her!” Sirius pleaded. He thought he’d die if he didn’t see her soon. It hurt. His insides hurt. And even deeper inside something was clawing for the boy in front of him, because he was pallid and had tears in his eyes. 

“I have to go to class,” Remus said and started for the doors. 

“Are you sure?” James asked. “You look a bit peaky.” An understatement. Remus looked like he hadn’t slept for a solid month and walking seemed to hurt. 

“I got a pepper-up potion, so I should be getting better any minute.” He watched Sirius again, his expression pained. “And I’d rather not be around him when he’s like that. He’ll probably say a lot of things I don’t want to hear and he doesn’t mean anyway.”

“I understand. I’ll take care of your boyfriend in the meantime.”

“I’m not his boyfriend! I’m-” James was quick to muffle Sirius’ mouth. 

While nearly choking him, James simply smiled sheepishly at Remus. “You should go.”

“Yes.”

***

At some point he had been given a sleeping draught, and he woke up feeling groggy and sweaty, with his sheets clinging to him. “Who are you in love with?” James asked, scaring the shit out of him, and he held his clenched fist against his chest. 

“For fuck’s sake, James. Remus! I’m in love with Remus!”

“Good boy.” James patted his head condescendingly and moved to hand him a potion, which Sirius took reluctantly. It tasted terribly bitter and he swallowed it with great difficulty. 

Sirius groaned as he put the empty vial back on the nightstand. A lot of what had happened after breakfast was a bit of a blur still, but it was coming back to him. “That fucking bitch,” he said while rubbing the ache out of his temples. “I’m going to curse her hair off. See how she likes me then.”

“How did she get you to eat it?”

He thought back to that morning, wondering that himself. She had clearly not been down to breakfast before then, and he had started feeling the amortentia’s effects before he saw her. “Let’s get back up to the tower. I need to rest in my own bed for a bit.”

“Sure. Madam Pomfrey said you were free to go when you woke up.”

He also didn’t want to see Remus in the morning, after everything he might have said in that short moment he remembered seeing him. Through the window he saw the full moon light up the sky and hoped his boyfriend was okay. 

It was just past curfew, and the corridors were empty, so they hid beneath the invisibility cloak to not run into Filch. This despite the fact that for a rare change, they were actually not breaking any rules. However, they soon both felt uneasy, without being able to quite pinpoint why. Something strange was in the air, and they heard the disembodied voices of teachers in the distance, sounding worried about something. Even the ghosts were hurrying past them in blurs of silver mist, too quickly for them to tell which ghost it was. 

When they heard hurried footsteps approaching, they simply moved to the side to avoid them, when other times they might feel compelled to do a little prank to the poor soul running around after hours. But somehow the steps and the heavy breathing was familiar, and Sirius’ ears perked and he made James stop in his tracks. It was Regulus. 

His younger brother was running like he was being chased by the grim, and Sirius reached out from under the cloak to stop him. Before his brother, who made a loud and startled yelp, could turn and see what had grabbed him, James threw the cloak off. For a brief moment, Regulus simply stared at him like he was a ghost suddenly become palpable, but quickly regain his composure. 

“Let me go, Sirius! I’ve got to leave, now!” he shouted sternly, his chest heaving. In the year they’d been apart he’d grown. Still smaller than Sirius in stature and height, what with him being a fourth year and all, but much bigger than what he had been. It felt strange and depressing to have missed so much of his brother’s life when they had once been so close. 

“Tell me why your little goodie-two-shoes self is running around after curfew, and I will.”

“I’m looking for Dumbledore...” he said, biting his lips. “Trying to save your bloody boyfriend!”

“What?”

Regulus took a deep breath to calm himself, and considered Sirius for a moment, no doubt wondering whether talking or struggling would take less time. Fortunately, he opted for the talking. “They found out where he goes to transform. Mulciber and his friends.” At those words, it all came back to Sirius in a painful flurry of images. He’d told her where he transformed. It was Snape that had slipped him amortentia and probably given it to her in exchange for her help. This wasn’t about Sirius at all, it was about Remus. They were going to ruin his life, if he even survived whatever they had planned. Killing a werewolf wasn’t a crime. Not to purebloods. 

“What do you mean transform?” James asked, looking back and forth between the both of them.

He couldn’t bring James. Not when he’d only just fully recovered from Snape’s curse. “Tell Dumbledore!” Sirius commanded both of them. “I’m going to save him!” Sirius said and ran, not caring to listen to his brothers’ shouts. What he was doing was stupid, but he wasn’t going to wait around until they found the headmaster. He’d rather die than not have done anything and Remus getting hurt because of it. He only had to make it in time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys, what's your patronus? Mine's a Basset Hound... which is fitting because my legs are short AF.


	8. The Moon We’ve had So Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update? I haven't seen that since last year! *Ba dum tss*
> 
> Yeah, not been in a super great state of mind these last weeks or months. Not because anything is bad, just my brain being a little fucked up like some brains are. It just made writing difficult. I wanted to do a full edit of this fic before I posted the last chapter, but that didn't happen, and instead just pushed this chapter way far back, so I just decided to do it at some later point. So here it is! The grand finale!

Whatever had the teachers in a fret kept them too busy to notice him leaving the castle, and he was soon stood in front of the Whomping Willow. Possibly it was just his imagination, but the tree seemed angrier than normal. It swung its branches with a ferocity he had never seen before. It was with slow, hesitant steps that he approached the tree, and he hoped whatever had it in a strop would distract it. No such luck. With tremendous force, it slammed one of its branches to the ground right in front of him, making it shake hard enough for Sirius to fall. He groaned in pain as he’d landed with his elbow on a rock, and held his aching limb while the tree swung its branches threateningly. 

“Sirius!” James shouted, running before he threw himself down beside him. 

“James, go back! It’s too dangerous.” Sirius tried pushing him away, but the angle and the ache in his arm made the attempt weak, and James didn’t budge an inch.

“Whatever you’ve planned, you idiot, you’re not going alone!” He looked up at the tree and frowned with lips stretched from hidden terror. “What have you got planned?” There was only a minimal crack to his voice. 

Sirius put his arm around James and pulled himself up into a seated position. “Touching the knot of one of the roots will paralyze it. I dunno which one.”

“You just have to touch it?”

“I think so.”

James stood, bringing the rock Sirius had fallen on with him, and threw it at the largest knot of roots they saw, hitting it with a loud thud, and the tree froze. Not even its leaves moved in the wind. However, the root still moved, and rose off the ground, revealing a passageway beneath it. “Let’s go!” Sirius said, forgetting that James wasn’t supposed to come along. 

The tunnel was too dark to see. As the root began to close and the only source of already dim light faded, Sirius prepared his wand to light the way, when they heard a young voice sob, followed by a smack. Sirius lowered his wand again, though he kept his grasp on it tightly. “They’re not that far ahead,” James whispered. That might have been why the Whomping Willow was angry. It had just come to. 

Suddenly there was a crash and an oomph behind them, and they spun on their heels and lit their wands. It was Regulus who had fallen down the entrance. “The tree fucking pushed me in,” he hissed quietly as he stood on shaky legs. He looked back at the entrance which shut completely behind him 

“Why are you here?” Sirius shouted. He stomped towards his brother with wide steps and grabbed his wrist forcefully, but let go when his brother winced. Sirius immediately regretted what he’d done, because they both knew what such an act meant in the Black household. Regulus gave him a forgiving look, with so much understanding that it broke his heart, before he continued. 

“Dumbledore was off somewhere, so I left a note on his door and came to stop you.”

“Why are you trying to stop me?” Sirius asked. He wanted to be angry at his brother, but instead he felt dread. Now he had two people to worry about in addition to Remus, as much as he didn’t want to worry about one of them. 

Regulus also seemed indignant about caring about him, and sputtered and shifted on his feet. “Whatever’s happened between us… I still don’t want you to get bitten.”

“Could someone explain what’s going on?” James asked. 

“Are you daft?” Regulus spat. “Lupin is a werewolf and its the full moon.”

James eye’s widened. “Fuck.”

“I think they brought a muggleborn Hufflepuff with them. At least the teachers are looking for one.”

“They want Remus to kill him?” James gasped. 

Sirius cursed under his breath. Had he killed one of the purebloods, Remus would have gotten into a lot of trouble, but they’d have had it coming. If he killed that boy, Sirius knew Remus would never forgive himself. Probably couldn’t live with himself. That thought made it feel as if a freezing wind blew through his body. 

They all startled to attention as they heard the loud creak of a door followed by a muffled scream. Without a word or look shared between them, they ran for the sound. 

They came to a halt as they reached the end of the tunnel, nearly crashing into it in the dark, and not knowing where else they could go, they looked up. Above them was a trapdoor no doubt leading to the Shrieking Shack. Sirius reached up and cracked it open, seeing three pairs of feet - one pair so very small - directly in front of it. James poked him and mouthed, “Can you see them?” Sirius nodded. 

Before they could make any kind of plan, they heard a loud ominous growl. Appearing through a doorway where the door had been flung off from its hinges, seemingly months ago by the layer of dust, stood a massive, grey wolf. His breath hitched. He hadn’t thought he’d recognize Remus in his wolf form, but it was unmistakably him. Although mostly gray, the light from the moon caused the same golden glow in the wolf’s coat as it did in Remus’ hair. There were also no doubt whose eyes those belonged to, despite the lack of kindness and mischief. 

James crept up beside him and peered through the crack as well. After only a few seconds of assessing the situation, James turned to him and gave him a look telling him he was about to do something crazy, so he better brace himself. That was all the warning he got before James flung the trapdoor open. Startled, Mulciber and Snape snapped their heads around, staring at them with eyes wide with confusion, and let go of the Hufflepuff boy long enough for James to grab him by the feet and pull him out. 

Snape’s mouth moved as if to speak, but then Remus howled. It was so loud Sirius’ ears were ringing when it was over, and below him James - hunched protectively over the little boy - and Regulus, were clutching their ears as they cowered. He returned his attention back through the open trapdoor, just as Remus flung himself at Mulciber and Snape. “Avada Kedavra!” Mulciber shouted, and the green light from his wand hit Remus in the chest, and the wolf fell. 

“NO!” Sirius cried and hauled himself up the trapdoor with strength he did not possess.

“Get the boy away from here!” he heard Regulus shout at James before his younger brother climbed up as well. The wolf was lying still on the ground, and in the dark he couldn’t tell if he was still breathing. 

“It was just a werewolf, Black!” Snape spat.

Sirius spun on his heel and pointed his wand at Mulciber, who had the decency to look at least startled by what he had done. “He’s right,” Mulciber said, coming to. “He would have killed that boy without remorse. You think a creature like that deserves to live?”

“SHUT UP!” Sirius shouted, and it was only because his mind was too addled and full of anger to do anything that he hadn’t performed an illegal curse himself. 

“He’s only like that a few hours of the month,” Regulus said, surprising him. “And he’s kept himself locked safely away. The ones who were about to kill that boy without remorse was the two of you!”

Mulciber snarled and looked at Regulus like his very existence was an offence to the world. “Why are you even here, Black? You’re supposed to be on our side! What do you care if some werewolf and mudblood dies?”

“How do you not care?” Regulus cried. “This pureblood bullshit was easy enough to ignore when it was just talk but people are getting hurt out there.” His voice faltered. “In here. I can’t just stay quiet anymore.”

Sirius viewed his brother with awe. He’d always been shorter and skinnier, but at that moment he seemed strong and powerful, with fierceness in his teary eyes like he’d never seen before. Snape stepped up to say something, but stopped abruptly in his tracks and paled.

A shudder of relief instantaneously followed by fear ran through him at the sound of a loud growl. He turned his head slowly to see the wolf standing there, like nothing had happened to him. Remus’ eyes were fixed on Mulciber, the one who had harmed him, and without warning he bounded across the room. Remus crashed into Regulus who was in his way, and he cried out in pain as he was thrown to the side, which the wolf ignored in his hunt for Mulciber. Both Snape and Mulciber jumped down the trapdoor, but did not have time to shut it before Remus followed. 

Sirius went to his brother, but he held out his hand, stopping him. “You have to protect them!” Regulus shouted fiercely. “If they’re killed Remus will be sent to Azkaban!”

As much as he hated the thought of saving their lives, he knew it was true and deeming his brother to not be in life threatening danger, followed them. The moment his feet touched the earth of the tunnel, he cast a petrification charm that hit Remus’ hind leg. The wolf snarled loudly and tripped. Remus’ head snapped around and that death glare was suddenly fixed on him instead. Ignoring his previous prey, the wolf was now focused on him, and stalked slowly closer.

“Remus, it’s me. You know me.” He was wrecking his brain for a curse powerful enough to stop him but not so strong it would cause harm, because it was clear Remus didn’t bloody know him. The only reason Remus hadn’t killed him yet was because he wasn’t done contemplating whether to continue hunting his original prey or settle for the new one. And Sirius had to get Regulus safely out of there as well. 

He realized he’d ran out of time when the wolf turned completely, and started towards him, increasing in speed. “Petrificus Totalus!” he shouted, running backwards towards the shack as the blast hit the wolf in the face. He might as well have thrown a pebble at him. 

The breath was knocked out of him when he bumped into something soft. Regulus had come down after him. “Levicorpus!” his brother shouted, and the wolf was flung up into the air. They ran then, ducking under him, but the ceiling was low and a claw snatched Sirius shoulder. He cried with pain but continued running. 

A gruesome howl and a thud sounded behind them, but even as they heard heavy paws running they didn’t turn to look. He was closing on them quickly and Sirius thought he might be feeling his hot breath on his neck with each of the wolf’s pants. 

“Expecto Patronum!” a deep voice ahead of them spoke firmly, and a massive white bird flew past them. The wolf stopped, and his worry for Remus gave Sirius courage to turn around to look. The wolf stood transfixed, as if hypnotized by the bird. Regulus grabbed him by the arm, forcing him to look ahead again. They had finally reached the end of the tunnel and crawled out the hole. 

Outside stood their headmaster. His usually playful and kind expression was set and unreadable, but he helped the two boys up. “Are there anyone else inside?” he asked, and they both shook their heads. “Go with Minerva to madam Pomfrey.” The professor eyed Regulus in particular, before he went down the tunnel in a swivel of robes. 

Not before then did they see James standing there with McGonagall, who had both Snape and Mulciber caught in a body bind. “How is the little boy?” Regulus asked, his tone oddly calm for the situation. 

“With madam Pomfrey,” McGonagall said. There was a slight shiver to her voice, and more than anything else, hearing fear in the voice of his head of house truly made it dawn on him just how dangerous what they had just done was. “Come with me. All of you!” she said firmly, the shiver gone.

***

There had been many strange moments in Sirius’ life, but sitting in the hospital bed while Madam Pomfrey fussed over him, with Snape and Mulciber across the room like they’d just had a quarrel on the quidditch pitch, was the decidedly strangest. He was too numb inside to want them dead just yet, but it was slowly coming, and he wasn’t sure what he’d do then. But at the moment, the five of them were simply sitting in awkward silence on each their bed. James was on his left, unharmed, but on edge. Regulus was on his right, refusing to be treated until Sirius’ much larger wound had been taken care of, but he was clutching his arm. The little Hufflepuff boy, only a first year - just turned twelve last month he’d heard them say - had been given a dreamless sleep draught and returned to his dorm room. 

The doors opened suddenly, and Dumbledore entered with Slughorn, McGonagall, and Flitwick following. “Care to explain what happened tonight?” he asked, voice perfectly calm, but stricter than he’d ever heard it, looking to all of them. Their headmaster received only silence in response. Sirius didn’t know where to begin and looked to James, but he was just as dazed as him. 

“We meant to get rid of that monster!” Mulciber spat. He was grinning madly when he looked at Dumbledore, but the headmaster was unfazed. “You are insane for letting it in here in the first place! To let it walk among us like it’s human. Both that creature and the mudblood! Lord Voldemort will take over any day and then our society will be purged at last!” Mulciber was silenced with the slight raise of Dumbledore's hand, and Sirius wasn’t sure it was a spell or fear that did it.

Dumbledore turned to Snape, regarding the boy carefully. “And you, Severus?” he asked. 

“I too was opposed to Lupin’s presence at this school, but had no idea about his plan to harm the boy. He told me his plan was to bring him there, then obliviate him and make it seem as if he had just barely escaped the wolf. When we got there, it was clear his plans were different. I was trying to stop him when…” He glared at James and Sirius, and spared Regulus a short glance. “Those three showed up.”

“Bullshit!” Sirius shouted. 

“Do you have any proof that what I say is a lie?” he asked them, and Sirius clenched his jaw because he didn’t.

Dumbledore sighed loudly. “You understand I cannot allow someone who intentionally endangered their fellow students to remain at Hogwarts,” he told them. Flitwick and McGonagall nodded, but Slughorn held up a hesitant hand. 

“Y-you cannot mean Severus as well?” he asked, and the other professors watched him with confused expressions. “As he said, he intended no harm to befall anyone but the werewolf, and unfortunate as that is for poor Lupin, it is no crime.” Dumbledore’s eyes narrowed. Sirius was too shocked to speak and gaped horrified at what he’d just heard. “Mulciber must be expelled, of course. There is no question!” Slughorn was quick to say. “But Severus is simply the victim of Mulciber’s persuasion and his own poor judgement. And do we not pride ourselves on our forgiveness and understanding compared to previous headmasters and professors?”

McGonagall huffed and Flitwick was positively steaming with anger. “What he did could have had poor Remus imprisoned!” Flitwick said angrily, and his utter surprise at seeing his head of house scared earlier seemed like nothing in comparison to seeing small and kind professor Flitwick seething with red-faced rage while clutching his wand.

“We will discuss this tomorrow, once the ministry has been informed,” Dumbledore said. “For now, I must ask both Snape and Mulciber to be taken to the towers. We shall keep them there until the aurors arrive tomorrow.”

The three professors agreed, and brought both the Slytherins with them, while Dumbledore remained. Pomfrey had stood aside by the doors, and opened them for them as the professors approached, revealing a startled redhead. Lily looked like she had been about to escape, but now stood like a deer caught in headlights. “I went looking for Potter and Black when they never returned to their dorms,” she explained quickly, abruptly shifting to stand tall and confident. “I was concerned about what trouble they’d get themselves in. Then I overheard some teachers talking,” she explained, but shut her lips as McGonagall gave her a look. 

“You may see your friends,” McGonagall told her, and looking relieved, Lily stepped around them inside. She tensed as she passed Snape, but didn’t look his way. 

“He was going to use you,” Snape muttered, and she stopped. She still refused to look his way. “I stopped him. I wanted to save you.”

“So you used that little boy instead?” she asked, horrified. 

Snape opened his mouth to speak, but was stopped by her turning quickly and slapping his face. The sound echoed through the room, and Sirius thought that had to be the most satisfying sound he’d ever heard in his life. 

Lily stalked towards the hospital beds as Mulciber and Snape were taken away, and she sat down next to James. When the doors closed, she allowed him to wrap his arms around her, and let out a quiet, quivering breath. Sirius thought he could relax a little at last, but Dumbledore was still oddly tense as he came up to them, stopping at Regulus’ bed. “That wound on your arm,” he said, but trailed off as Regulus pulled away the ripped fabric of his robes to reveal what was unmistakably a bite. 

“No…” Sirius whispered, and disregarded the piercing pain in his shoulder to go to his brother. Regulus uncharacteristically let himself be cradled by him. 

Pomfrey rushed to Regulus’ side and began to inspect the bite. “We have to notify your family,” she said. 

“No!” Regulus and Sirius shouted at once. 

“They’ll kill him,” Sirius said and felt his brother shiver in his arms. 

“What will happen to Lupin?” Regulus asked.

“If we keep this from the ministry - for now - and explain that we cannot possibly know what wolf really bit Regulus, nothing will happen to him. And with your permission, I will ask that the ministry not be contacted in the case of Mulciber and Snape as well.”

“They tried to kill someone!” James shouted, horrified, but Sirius’ eyes met Lily’s and he saw she had understood. No matter what they had done, Remus had still endangered students, and the ministry wouldn’t hesitate to put him away.”

“Will you still expel Mulciber and Snape?” Sirius asked. 

“I will expel Mulciber. If it was up to me, I would have preferred to expel Severus as well, but as Slughorn pointed out, there is no proof, and he committed no crime in the eyes of the ministry. However, he shall no longer take a single step in this castle unsupervised. I will ensure this.”

“As long as nothing happens to Remus,” Sirius said. 

Dumbledore nodded. “Are you in need of new living arrangements, Regulus?” 

“He’ll stay with me,” James said, and Regulus looked up at him surprised. “Mum and dad will think he’s a dream compared to Sirius,” he said and winked, making Regulus blush and look down at his lap. 

“Are we certain he’s infected?” Sirius asked.

“I’m afraid so,” Pomfrey said sadly. “I’ve seen people turn after much shallower bites than this.” 

Dumbledore hummed in agreement. “The four of you should rest. We’ll continue our talks tomorrow,” he said and bid them goodbye. Sirius remained in Regulus’ bed as Pomfrey treated the bite with dittany, until she forced them all to take dreamless sleep draughts. He stood to return to his own bed, but a feeble hand took hold of his robes. 

“Please stay,” Regulus whispered. 

Sirius returned to Regulus’ bed and embraced his brother as he fell asleep. Despite everything that had happened, despite the circumstances that had made it so, he suddenly felt so happy he could cry. He had his brother back. 

***

The next few days, his mind was a muddled mess. Mulciber had been expelled, and had no doubt joined the Death Eaters. Snape had been allowed to remain in school, but wasn’t allowed to be alone for anything but the loo. A worthy sacrifice to keep Remus safe, even if he’d preferred they both rot in Azkaban for what they’d done. Dealing with Regulus and their family had been harder. 

Regulus had written and claimed he’d followed in Sirius’ footsteps and renounced the pureblood supremacy movement, and both brothers and Dumbledore had received howlers from their old family. Euphemia and Fleamont Potter had come to the school, and when they were told what had happened, opened up their home to Regulus without hesitation, just as they’d done with Sirius. They had brought him with them. As a fourth year - he kept forgetting how young his brother still was - there was nothing too important that he’d miss, as his grades and skills were already high, and he was allowed to rest and get used to his new condition until the start of next September. 

In all of that, he’d been unable to see Remus. He’d tried, but just finding his boyfriend had been difficult. It was obvious he was avoiding him. It was four days later, an hour after curfew, that he finally located him where he’d been searching every night. “Looking at the stars?” Sirius asked. Remus had his back to him, sitting on a pillow and some blankets brought out from the storage room, and did not turn around at his voice. 

“Doing homework. I’ve been neglecting it,” he explained flatly. There were no books or parchment around.

When Sirius sat down next to him, he shied away, and refused to let them touch. “How are you feeling?” Sirius asked, unsure what else to say. The rejection hurt, but he hoped if they’d talk they’d mend things. He couldn’t stand not to be with Remus.

“Awful,” Remus whispered. “Sirius, I’m so sorry!” His voice broke and he sobbed, burying his face in his hands. 

Sirius dared put a comforting hand on his shoulder, and was pleased he seemed to lean into the touch despite himself. “What for? You’re the only innocent person in all of this.” 

Remus looked up from his hands, aghast. “How can you say that? I bit you brother! I made him into a monster like me.”

“My brother is not a monster and neither are you. If anything, you saved him.” Remus looked utterly lost and confused, and it was a very cute look on him, his normally crinkled from smiling eyes wide. Sirius wanted to snog him badly. “Regulus was beginning to reject their ideas, but he might have never left if you hadn’t bitten him. I’ve got him back now. You got him away from those monsters that raised us.”

“You’re mad,” Remus said and shook his head, but he’d stopped crying. 

“Mad about you.” Remus let out a loud snort and smiled, which was even better. “Do you still love me?” Sirius asked and cupped Remus’ chin. “Because I still love you. Can’t see myself stopping anytime soon after everything that happened.”

“How can you still love me after seeing me like that?”

“My parents wanted to hurt me everyday. You only want to hurt me a few hours every 28th days. I say that’s an improvement.” Remus shook his head and forced his lip to not quirk up into a smile. “Listen,” Sirius continued. “I’ve got no plans to spend more time with wolf-you, but human-you I’d very much like to be with still, if you only tell me that’s alright.”

Remus let out a sob again, but he was smiling this time. “How did I deserve you?” he said. 

“I’m not all I’m cracked up to be.”

“You’re much more.”

“I’m a virgin!” he blurted out loudly, startling his boyfriend out of his crying, and he stared blankly. Everything seemed very quiet all of a sudden, as Remus processed this information. 

“You’re a virgin?” he asked after a long pause. 

“I’m a virgin. Never even been close to having sex before. You’re the first person I’ve seen naked. Besides James, I suppose, but I never wanted to see him naked.” Remus’ expression was still filled with questions, but he seemed unable to determine which to ask. “It started with some girl telling everyone I was the best kisser ever to make her ex jealous, and it sort of snowballed from there. I don’t know why, but some girls started saying they’d slept with me. I confirmed this, because I wanted to look cool, and everything just got out of control. Especially after that Slytherin happened.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

They both shifted to face each other, sitting with their legs crossed and their knees touching. Remus reached out to gently stroke Sirius’ tigh, allowing him to take his time. “At first it was because I was afraid you’d think I was lame, and then when we’d been together for a while, I was afraid you’d get angry because I’d kept it a secret for so long. It terrified me.”

“You’re acting like your secret is worse than me being a bloody werewolf!”

“To be perfectly honest, to me it was!”

“Mad,” Remus muttered, but he was shaking with laughter. “I don’t give a shit that you’re a virgin, Sirius,” he said, at last. “As you’ve loved me no matter what, I love you too no matter what.” He chuckled. “Not that being a virgin is even worthy of being a no matter what. You’re just a normal seventeen year old.”

“Thank you,” Sirius said and rested his head on Remus’ shoulder, inhaling his scent that he’d missed so terribly. “I came up to show you something,” he said, his heart suddenly in his throat. As they seemed to be fine, Remus didn’t strictly need to see it, but he didn’t want secrets between them anymore, and reached into his robes’ pocket for the leatherbound notebook originally meant to be a peace offering if all else failed. All this time his head remained pressed firmly against Remus, to hide his embarrassment, and he wasn’t planning on moving any time soon. 

“What’s that?” 

“The diary I talked to you about.” His voice had gone muffled as he buried his face deeper in the fabric of Remus’ robes. 

“I didn’t think you were actually serious about that.”

“I was. Though I’m not going to start another one. This was getting creepy to be honest, and I don’t feel like I need it anymore. I wanted to document my happiness and remember everything you ever said to me because I wanted to be the best boyfriend ever to keep that happiness.”

“You don’t have to be the best boyfriend ever to keep me,” he said and nuzzled his hair. “Nobody is perfect.”

“That’s sort of what I’ve realized.” He dared to glance up to watch his boyfriend’s amused expression. “I hope you still want me, even if I forget what your favorite color is?”

“I don’t even think I remember what my favorite color is.”

“You don’t. In October you said it was blue, but then, only in mid November you said it was orange. You’re very inconsistent. What? Why are you looking at me like that?” His expression was very similar to that of James when he’d thought of a prank to pull. 

“Did you really write poetry about me as well?” he asked, smirking.

Sirius blushed furiously, and slowly flipped through the pages. “I may have.” He handed him the book with the page open to what he considered the only close to worthwhile poem he’d written, but Remus pushed the book back. 

“Read it to me.”

Sirius coughed and held up the notebook with shaking hands. That he could barely read the words written wasn’t a problem. He knew it by heart. 

“On the day I opened my eyes I saw the pretty Ravenclaw,  
whose misshapen smile was enough to make my heart thaw.

I tried to enjoy the skies of the night, but the stars fade in your light,  
they’ll never shine as bright as your eyes, try as they might.

Pain made you beautiful, a divinity else hopeless to attain;  
but if I could go back in time I’d make you ugly again.

Your presence is a hot fire and warm kisses in cold weather,  
willingly, forever, I am bound to you by love’s tether.

In your arms you hold the home I never had, the comfort I always sought,  
for this, I’ll give you all the love I never got.

And who needs the moon; gravitational pulls and tides are overrated,  
I deserve still waters now after all that I’ve waited.

And I’ve waited for years. In search of myself, my family and freedom,  
and while waiting I’ve been drowning and bleeding. 

The moon we’ve had so far, is cruel and distant, and it’s light too hard,  
all it does is judge, bite, shout, and discard. 

But a better moon is out there, whose light is kind and soothing,  
I’ll search the world by your side, my love unwavering.”

“That last part didn’t rhyme very well,” Remus said, his voice thick. 

“Nothing good rhymes with soothing,” Sirius explained, body shaking from tears and laughter at once. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words were swallowed by Remus in a sudden kiss. They tumbled over onto the pillows in a heap of clawing limbs. It took him a moment to realize that both of their robes were coming off, and he froze. “A-are we?”

“I-I don’t know?” Remus said as he stroked a rough hand up his chest. His eyes closed and he moaned at the pleasant sensation. When he opened his eyes again, he saw Remus watching him with a pained expression. “I’m sorry,” he said suddenly. 

“I have no idea what for,” Sirius said. “If this is about my brother again, I already told you, you saved him.”

“It’s a little about your brother, but I also feel that I abandoned you. When you were poisoned with amortentia. I couldn’t bear to be around you and hear what you’d say. But if it was the other way around, you would have stayed… you only would have left me to go curse the person who did it. That didn’t even occur to me.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I know that. Your poem confirms that.” Remus trailed cold fingers along Sirius’ cheekbone and up his temples in a soothing pattern, and Sirius couldn’t help leaning into the touch. “I really don’t deserve you.”

“Fuck me.”

“Romantic,” he chuckled.

“I mean it.” Sirius moved Remus hand to his lips, to plant small kisses along the lines of palm. “Make love to me. Right here.”

“Are you really sure?” he asked and gulped, his eyes widening and pupils dilating. 

“Can’t think of any place better.” Sirius bit his smiling lips as he looked up at his boyfriend, whose bottom lip was trembling ever so slightly. To think he wasn’t the nervous one this time. Instead he was filled with excitement, as if he was jumping off a cliff into safe waters. “We would have already done it here ages ago if only I hadn’t chickened out back then.”

Remus let out a short chuckle, then in one swift motion, accioed some blankets and pillows and laid them both down on them. “Are you glad you chickened out?” Remus asked, suddenly losing his adorable nervousness and smirking instead as Sirius turned bright red. 

“Not sure,” he admitted as Remus left a trail of kisses up and down his neck. “Depends what would have happened afterwards. If I’d made sure to stay with you, of course it would have been-” He stopped to gasp as Remus stroked his cock through his trousers. “Nice if you and I’d been together longer. Been doing this for longer. But I think I would - ah - have been too scared to talk with you after.”

“Good thing you chickened out then.” He laughed quietly as his tongue lapped softly at his collarbone. “I was so confused after that night. Wondered when the hell my gaydar had gotten so off.” 

“It’s definitely not off. I’m so fucking gay.”

The bark of laughter coming from Remus was more reminiscent of Sirius’ laugh, and it excited him that perhaps they were picking up each other’s mannerisms. Just like James’ parents, who both pointed stern fingers, rolled their eyes, and hugged tightly just the same way. Thoughts of the Potters vanished when lips slowly began to traverse down his chest and belly, settling at the trail of hair running down from his bellybutton to his groin. 

“I don’t think I can handle a blowjob.”

“No?”

“I’ll come in like a second.”

This did not seem to deter Remus, who proceeded to unbutton Sirius’ trousers. “I don’t mind. You can come as many times as you want.” He grinned wickedly for a second, but it turned kind quickly. It was hardly the time or place for wickedness. 

They made love slowly, each of them savoring every touch and taste of the other. Once it was all over, and they lay sweaty in each other’s arms, Sirius wouldn’t be able to tell anyone the details of what had transpired. It was just a blur of skin and orgasms.

“I believe that you were virgin now,” Remus suddenly chuckled. He was all wrapped up around him, with his nose poking Sirius’ neck. “You were terrible.”

There was a twinkle of mischief in Remus’ eyes, and he knew his boyfriend was joking. “Fuck you, I was not!” He feigned anger and tugged lightly at Remus’ hair. 

“It’s not a bad thing. Just means we need to do it a lot to make you better.” 

“Loads more.” Remus summoned a blanket to cover them, and they snuggled up closer, wrapping his arms around him tightly and resting his head on Sirius’ chest. The air was becoming cold, but the feel of Remus’ weight on his warmed him completely. It wasn’t long before Remus started to drift off to sleep, and Sirius watched him, smiling, as he realized there were no longer any secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you see what I did there with the chapter titles that seemingly made no sense but now do?


	9. A Better Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a self-indulgent fluff fest of an epilogue.

Their lives after Hogwarts hadn’t gone exactly as planned, what with the war and James, Lily and their baby Harry spending most of that time in hiding. However, once none other than Regulus, who had worked as a spy, discovered the secrets about the horcruxes, the war was eventually won. It was all thanks to him risking his life that Sirius and Remus could walk through the crowd of King’s Cross on September 1st, safely wishing their godson good luck on his first day of Hogwarts. 

Harry was already at the platform, chatting animatedly with Ron Weasley and Neville Longbottom, while their parents stood back and watched. Harry spotted them mid speech, and his face lit up! “Uncle Sirius! Uncle Remus! You came!”

“Of course we did!” Sirius shouted and pulled Harry in for a tight hug. “We wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

Remus took over the hug and added a kiss to his cheek that Harry, almost a grown up now at the age of eleven - or so he claimed - wiped off with his hand. “I just figured you wouldn’t bother,” Harry explained as he was released from his godparents’ loving clutches. “Since I’ll be seeing you both once we get there.”

“It’ll be different,” Sirius said. “We’ll be your professors there, and you don’t want to be seen hugging your professors, do you?”

“Guess not,” he said, smiling broadly. A bell whistle sounded through the platform, and everyone around them began to hurry. “I’ll write right away when I’m sorted!” Harry said, speaking to someone behind them. Sirius had barely had time to turn his head before he saw James storm towards them and push him away. With wide arms and tears in his eyes, James brought Harry in for an even tighter hug than Sirius had given him, and the poor boy nearly choked, not having had the time to brace himself. 

“You better write!” James said while Lily rolled her eyes, standing behind her husband. “Right away! Before you even start to eat. You’ve got your owl, there’s no excuse not to!” He pointed sternly to the white owl, Hedwig, who hooted curiously at the attention. 

“You can write after you’ve eaten,” Lily said and pried her husband off her son. James sniffed loudly and stood pouting like a petulant child. “I’m so proud of you, love,” she said, and while she hid it better than her husband, she was choking up a little herself. 

“Think I’ll be in Gryffindor?” Harry asked quietly. 

“Which house you’re sorted into doesn’t matter,” Lily said firmly, trying to push down her son’s hair despite the futility of it. Sirius reckoned it was just to keep her hands busy. 

“Even if it’s Slytherin?”

“What’s wrong with Slytherin?” They all turned to see Regulus stepping out of the crowd. Harry looked a little ashamed, but took it in stride and reached out to hug his third uncle. Regulus gave Sirius a quick smile as well, looking up from Harry’s mop of a hair. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Harry said. “It’s just… Ron said nearly everyone in Slytherin are bad. Like you-know-who.”

“That’s just not true,” Lily said. “Both Regulus and Andromeda are wonderful people, and just so you know, I was considered for Slytherin as well.”

“You were?” James asked, surprised. It was news to Sirius as well, but Remus chuckled like he’d known all along. 

“I was, but the hat eventually settled for Gryffindor.” 

“I’d be glad to see you in Ravenclaw as well, of course,” Remus told Harry. “But I doubt that’s the right house for you.” 

Harry narrowed his eyes in mock offence. “Are you calling me dumb?” 

“I’m calling you more practically inclined.”

“That’s also a word for it,” Lily said with an exasperated sigh. 

“Try for Hufflepuff,” Sirius suggested. “That’s the only house our little family is missing.”

“I’ll try,” Harry said. Ron and Neville reappeared, and as the clock was just about to strike eleven and an even louder whistle howled, the three of them hurried onto the train, their families behind them making sure they got all their luggage.

It was with many mixed emotions that Sirius watched the Hogwarts Express leave for Hogsmeade, and the five of them remained on the platform even as it emptied and the train was out of sight. “Are you two really sure about this?” James asked. He had his arms slung over both Lily and Regulus’ shoulders as he stretched to flick Sirius’ cheek for his attention. 

“About what?” Sirius wondered.

Lily continued for James. “Ending your world travels to settle down teaching,” she said. 

“We’ll travel during the summer, if we feel like it,” Remus said, emphasizing the latter heavily. “We’re not young anymore, you know. Sleeping in a cursed emperor’s tomb in Peru used to be exciting. Now it only gives me a backache.”

“I think our next travel should be to the Maldives,” Sirius said. “We’ll stay at a spa hotel and relax on the beach with each our book while drinking muggle fruit cocktails.”

Remus moaned with pleasure. “After staying in cold and rainy Scotland for the better part of the year, I think that will be very much needed.” Sirius couldn’t help but grin. It had taken so long to make Remus even just a little spoiled, but after 15 years together, he had finally managed. 

“Are we not invited?” James pouted. 

“No!” Sirius said quickly. 

“They’d only be shagging anyway,” Regulus said, before starting towards the exit, bringing Lily and James who were still attached to him with him. 

Remus and Sirius followed slowly, their fingers intertwined. They’d floo to Hogsmeade later that evening, not long before the feast. “What are you looking at me for?” Remus asked. 

“I love looking at you,” Sirius said. Stood on that platform, memories flooded back of how he first noticed Remus on the train; of how young and pretty he’d been. Since then, Remus’ hair had become grayer by the day, and his eyes had started to wrinkle, but Sirius thought he looked even more beautiful now than then. “I think we’ll be happy working at Hogwarts,” Sirius said as he combed his fingers through Remus’ hair, brushing it out of his face. 

Truth was, they probably wouldn’t have accepted the joint position of Defence Against the Dark Arts professors (though Minerva had strongly hinted at Sirius being there to be trained for the position of Transfiguration professor, when Dumbledore retired and Minerva took over as headmaster) hadn’t it been for Remus’ lycanthropy affecting him much more as he aged. The transformations were taking a toll on his body and the world adventures they had spent their last eight years going on were gradually becoming too much for him. Remus had felt guilty about them having to stop; he could see it even then as they walked, as Remus’ eyes were fixed on the ground and even when he did look up, their gazes never quite met. It had been like that ever since the decision was made. He couldn’t understand why though. For as long as he was with Remus, Sirius was happy. Besides, with the new wolfsbane potion they were offered, his body would hopefully recover some. 

Lily, James and Regulus passed through the barrier to King’s Cross, and before Remus could follow, Sirius pulled him in for a long kiss. “I love you so much,” he said as he released him. “I’ve never said it enough.”

“You say it every day,” Remus said, and smiled his lopsided smile. 

“As it doesn’t seem like you believe me, it still can’t be enough. Whether we are out there seeing the world or in a cramped office at Hogwarts, as long as you’re with me I couldn’t be happier.”

“I believe you, I just… sometimes it’s difficult to believe how lucky I am to have you.”

For a moment, Sirius felt like a teenager as his whole face began to burn from the overwhelming emotions all fighting to come out. “I’m the one who’s lucky!” he said and kissed him again. “You’re the best husband in the world.”

“The feeling is mutual.”

“Fuck, we’re sappy, aren’t we?” Sirius said.

“Speak for yourself,” he said with a snicker. “The only reason you’re able to be all romantic now and not sob like a child is because you know you’ll see Harry again in a few hours.”

Sirius couldn’t deny this. “Could you imagine what a mess I’d be if it was our own kid we were sending off?” 

“Good thing we don’t have kids.” He said it jokingly, but there was a trace of hurt and his shoulders tensed. Out of the two of them, Remus was the one who wanted kids the most (though of course he thought he’d make a terrible parent so getting him to admit this had been a struggle). Yet somehow he’d apparently gotten it into his stupid head that he was making Sirius miss out on something. If it was with Remus and was something that would make Remus happy, he wouldn’t mind one or two, but it had never been something he had strongly desired. Truthfully, the idea still scared him; that somehow having kids would turn him into his own parents.

“We never could have done what we have if we had kids in tow,” he said and kissed his husband’s cheek. “And we couldn’t fuck as much as we do if we had to take a kid into consideration. Can you imagine living like we’re babysitting Harry everyday of our life?”

He chuckled quietly as Sirius nuzzled his nose against his neck. “The legislations against werewolves are softening. If only people like that Umbridge woman got kicked out of the ministry.” He huffed. 

“Remember when she tried to ban you from travelling?”

“I thought she was going to have an aneurism when it was repealed.”

Sirius snickered. “Yeah, that was fun.” He planted another soft kiss on Remus’ cheek, unable to resist. “Let’s see how we feel about kids after teaching for a year. We’ll talk more about it then.” 

“If we’re still teaching.”

“The curse is broken?” Sirius asked, though he knew it to be true. 

“Yeah, but you’re there. Being at Hogwarts will revert your mind back to its adolescent state and you’ll be pranking McGonagall before we know it.”

“That is true.” They walked closer to the wall, but still remained standing on the platform. “Why are we so hesitant to leave?” Sirius asked. 

“New chapter in our lives and all that I suppose.”

“It’ll be different... but I’m excited for it.” 

Remus’ smile was lopsided and adorable as he nodded. Hand in hand, they stepped through the barrier together.


End file.
